Last Saturday night I had the privilege of visiting Ludshott Common with the National Trust on a Nightjar Guided Walk. It was a reminder that in an increasingly busy and technology-driven world, many of us spend less time outdoors than previous generations. Yet a growing body of research suggests that regular contact with nature can play a significant role in supporting psychological wellbeing. Spending time in nature has been associated with reduced stress, improved mood, better concentration, and greater overall life satisfaction. Research into our mental health and green spaces such as parks, woodlands, gardens, and coastal environments consistently finds positive links between exposure to nature and mental wellbeing. Systematic reviews have shown that people who have greater access to green space often report better mental health and lower levels of psychological distress. Two influential theories help explain why nature appears to be so beneficial. Psychologists Rachel and Stephen Kaplan developed Attention Restoration Theory, which proposes that natural environments allow our minds to recover from the mental fatigue created by sustained concentration and information overload. Unlike the demands of work, traffic, and screens, nature gently captures our attention, allowing cognitive resources to replenish. Another explanation comes from Stress Reduction Theory, developed by Roger Ulrich. This theory suggests that humans have evolved to respond positively to natural environments, which can reduce physiological markers of stress and promote feelings of calm and safety. Research indicates that time spent in nature may lower stress levels, improve mood, and support emotional regulation. The Japanese practice of Shinrin-yoku, often translated as “forest bathing,” has attracted considerable research interest. Studies suggest that spending mindful time among trees can reduce anxiety and improve psychological wellbeing, offering a simple but powerful antidote to the pressures of modern life. Well-known writers have long recognised nature's restorative qualities. Naturalist and philosopher Henry David Thoreau wrote extensively about the value of immersing oneself in the natural world, while contemporary nature writer Richard Louv has highlighted the psychological costs of becoming disconnected from nature. The encouraging message from the research is that nature does not have to involve remote wilderness or lengthy hikes. A walk in a local park, sitting beside a river, tending a garden, or simply noticing birdsong can provide meaningful psychological benefits. I learnt that Nightjars are rare and elusive birds but almost as soon as we ventured onto the common at just after 9pm, I could hear their distinctive call (check out the Merlin app for birdsong identification). Spotting them catching moths was more challenging as they are quick, buoyant and silent. In fading light, their erratic, ghostly movements can make them seem to appear and disappear against the darkening sky. It was a mindful moment, connecting with the Nightjar and not thinking about the stresses in my life. Even the briefest encounters with the natural world can help us feel calmer, more connected, and better able to cope with everyday demands. So, take a walk on the calm side...

One of the most common questions I am asked and have questioned myself is "who am I?" It is one of the hardest things in the universe to understand - the interior of our own minds: we may have spent years on this planet before we've grasped even very basic things about who we are and how we function. Even the Ancient Greeks felt philosophy had only one command: Know yourself! Latterly, James Baldwin too, stressed the importance of knowing thy self. So how can I get to know myself better? Let's start with The School of Life... Getting to know yourself is less about “finding a hidden true self” and more about noticing patterns: what energises you, what you avoid, how you relate to others, what you value, and how you behave under pressure. The process usually becomes clearer when you combine reflection with lived experience. A few approaches that tend to work well together: Observe yourself in real time Instead of only analysing yourself afterwards, notice yourself while things are happening. Pay attention to: situations where you feel most alive or most shut down recurring emotional reactions who you become around different people what you repeatedly complain about or long for what you envy in others (often revealing hidden desires or disowned qualities) A simple question helps: “What is happening in me right now?” Not just what you think - also body sensations, impulses, emotions, fantasies, tension, excitement. Journal for patterns, not performance Many people journal as if they’re writing a coherent story. It’s often more useful to capture fragments honestly. You could explore prompts like: What do I keep repeating in relationships? What am I trying to prove? When do I feel safest? What parts of myself do I hide? What kind of people trigger me, and why? What would I do if I didn’t need approval? Then reread after a few weeks and look for themes rather than individual entries. Notice your defences kindly We all protect ourselves psychologically. Sometimes self-knowledge grows fastest when you notice: humour used to avoid vulnerability intellectualising feelings over-helping perfectionism withdrawal people-pleasing control emotional numbing The question is not “What’s wrong with me?” but “What might this strategy once have protected me from?” Know yourself through relationships Other people are mirrors. Your relational patterns often reveal more than solitary introspection. Notice: who you pursue who you avoid what intimacy feels like to you how you respond to conflict whether you fear rejection, engulfment, abandonment, criticism, dependence, etc. Sometimes the self is discovered between people, not only within the individual. Try new experiences deliberately You don’t fully know yourself in theory. New environments expose hidden parts of you: creative work travelling alone group activities leadership roles silence retreats volunteering therapy groups learning difficult skills You may discover capacities or fears you couldn’t access through reflection alone. Explore your history without becoming trapped in it Your early experiences shaped expectations about: love safety power worth anger dependency Questions like: What roles did I play in my family? What emotions were acceptable? What did I learn I had to be to receive love? can uncover assumptions that still organise your life. Use structured tools carefully Some people find frameworks useful: attachment theory values exercises personality models therapy supervision mindfulness practices These can illuminate patterns, but they work best as maps - not identities. Spend time alone without distraction A lot of people know themselves only in reaction to stimulation. Periods without constant input - no scrolling, podcasts, texting, noise - often allow deeper thoughts and feelings to emerge. Even 20–30 minutes regularly can change what you notice internally. Try introducing a focusing practice: What is Focusing? - British Focusing Association Accept that self-knowledge can feel uncomfortable Sometimes getting to know yourself means discovering contradictions: you can be caring and controlling independent and needy confident and insecure loving and resentful Greater self-awareness usually increases complexity, not certainty.

When a client’s fear is anchored in real-world figures like Donald Trump, Benjamin Netanyahu, and Nigel Farage, it’s crucial to take any war anxiety seriously yet without reinforcing a sense of imminent catastrophe. This sits right at the intersection of realistic concern and anxiety amplification - a clinically rich space to work in. It's important to: 1. Learn to manage war anxiety without confirming inevitability Global instability can feel frightening, especially with high-profile, polarising leaders. Remind yourself: “It makes sense that when you see powerful people making big decisions, it can feel like things are out of control.” Yet there is a difference between possibility and probability. Try not to confuse the two. 2. Map the anxiety system Learn to manage any war anxiety by exploring: Mode 1 (client - world): What specifically triggers the fear? News? Social media? Certain narratives? Mode 2 (client - self): What meanings are being made? (e.g., “The world is unsafe,” “No one is in control”) Mode 3 (other - client): Do you look to others for reassurance, certainty, or shared alarm? This can reveal whether the fear is primarily existential, trauma-linked, or fuelled by cognitive distortions. 3. Work with uncertainty tolerance Fear of war is often fear of intolerance of uncertainty and lack of control. Gently explore: “How do you usually cope when you don’t know what will happen?” Anxiety is trying to create false certainty through worst-case scenarios. You might even externalise: “It sounds like a part of you is trying to prepare for the worst by constantly scanning for danger.” 4. Reality anchoring (without dismissing) Rather than debating geopolitics, focus on grounding: What is happening in your immediate world right now? Are you safe today? What evidence do you use to estimate risk? This avoids getting pulled into ideological discussions about specific leaders. 5. Media hygiene Are you often dysregulated by overexposure? Explore your media consumption patterns Experiment with boundaries (e.g., limiting news checks) This is not avoidance, but is nervous system care. 6. Explore symbolic meaning World war fears can sometimes carry deeper layers, such as: Fear of collapse (internal or relational) Early experiences of unpredictability or danger Authority figures perceived as unsafe or chaotic You might wonder: “When things feel this globally unsafe, does it connect to other times in your life where things felt out of control?” 7. Embodied regulation Because war anxiety is often visceral, try: Grounding (sensory awareness, orienting) Breath work Tracking activation in session with your therapist This helps shift from abstract catastrophic thinking into present - moment safety. 8. Relational containment Your therapist's or another's calm presence is key. If they stay regulated and non-alarmist while still listening carefully, you can learn: “Big fears can be held without becoming overwhelming” “We don’t need certainty to feel okay” 9. Finally, watch for reinforcement cycles Be mindful if: You seek repeated reassurance (“Do you think war will happen?”) You feel compelled to convince or debate with others including your therapist. That can become a subtle enactment worth exploring.

Some call it a “loneliness crisis” or a “friendship recession,” but in our age of endless scrolling and shrinking social circles, many of us have limited experience of making friends or forgotten how to make friends, particularly how to make friends as an adult. In this motivating and optimistic TEDx talk, friendship expert Sheridan Voysey discusses why forming friendships is such a significant challenge today and offers three straightforward actions that could spark a revolution in how we connect with others . Listen to find out more or read on for practical suggestions. So, how and where can I find friends? This is such an important question and often sits right at the intersection of attachment, shame, power, and lived relational history. When adults struggle to build friendships, it’s rarely about skills alone . It’s usually about: “How safe does connection feel in my body?” So the work is both external (behavioural) and internal (relational/emotional). What is the meaning of friendship? Think about: What did friendship mean growing up? Were peers safe / rejecting / competitive? Was belonging conditional? Were you “the outsider”, “the helper”, “the observer”? Often clients are trying to build friendships while carrying an unconscious belief such as: “People don’t really like me” “I’m too much” “I’ll be left” “I don’t know the rules” Without working through this, behavioural advice can feel like performance rather than connection. So we might explore: “What do you imagine would happen if someone really knew you?” Friendship is a developmental practice Many people feel shame that friendship isn’t “natural”. If this is the case, I may work on friendship as a developmental practice , not a personality trait. This is because some of us: Missed peer bonding due to bullying Had parentified roles Felt culturally “other” Learned intimacy = danger So we’re not behind - we’re beginning. Move from “finding friends” to “building familiarity” Friendship rarely begins with emotional depth. It often begins with repeated low-stakes contact. So, if we shift the goal from: ❌ Make a friend to ✅ Become a familiar face This reduces performance pressure. The 3 Conditions of Adult Friendship Formation Friendships form where there is: 1. Repetition - Seeing the same people regularly e.g.: Classes Volunteering Interest groups Local meet-ups Religious / spiritual spaces Sports Creative groups Friendship needs pattern , not intensity. 2. Shared focus - Connection is easier when attention is on something third : Book club Language class Walking group Board games Craft group Community gardening Dancing This reduces social performance anxiety. 3. Gradual mutual disclosure - we often wait for others to initiate.   Instead, micro-reveal , such as: “I’ve just moved here” “I’m trying to get better at meeting people” “I always feel nervous at new groups” This invites reciprocity without oversharing. Learn the “Ladder of Intimacy” Friendship builds in stages: Stage Behaviour Recognition Smile, nod Small talk Context-based chat Personal lite Weekend plans, interests Shared time Coffee / walk Personal real Feelings, history Sometimes people jump from Stage 2 to Stage 5 internally and feel rejected when the other person doesn’t match their depth or possibly rejects them. We need to tolerate pacing. Work with relational risk Making friends requires initiating without certainty. Try experiments like: Suggesting coffee Saying “It was good to talk” Sending a follow-up message Then process: What did it feel like? What meaning did you make? What old story got activated? The growth is in surviving the vulnerability not in immediate success. Here, a journal can be a good friend as you explore your inner world and can refer back too. Address power + belonging From a feminist lens, I often explore: Who has historically had to adapt? Who feels entitled to take up social space? How gender / race / class shaped relational confidence Some people aren’t shy - they’ve learned: “Don’t impose.” Friendship may require reclaiming relational entitlement. Encourage “activity-based” invitations Abstract intimacy is scary. Concrete is safer: “Want to join the next session?” “I’m going to that event next week” “Fancy walking after this?” Activity reduces emotional exposure. Grieve what wasn’t learned earlier Sometimes the deepest block isn’t fear, it’s grief. People may need space to feel: I didn’t get the easy friendships others had I missed teenage belonging I learned to be alone Friendship-building becomes possible after mourning this. Reframe success Success is not:❌ Having close friends quickly Success is: ✅ Showing up✅ Initiating✅ Staying despite awkwardness✅ Surviving non-reciprocity A simple therapeutic task you could do: The Familiarity Experiment  - This week: Attend one repeated space Speak to one person briefly Return next time Goal: be recognised, not liked. Good luck!

A boy cycles along a beach pathway as the sun sets, illuminating the sky with vibrant hues. In the background, a sailboat glides across the calm water, accompanied by an inspiring quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. The subject of self esteem comes up frequently in the therapy room. How do we really feel about ourselves? Can I advocate for myself? Or do I make myself small? Where does this come from? Self-esteem grows from our lived experiences of agency, competence, belonging, and being seen, or validation. 1. A shift from thinking about “self-esteem” to “self-worth + self-efficacy” can be helpful. With young people especially, “confidence” is often domain-specific and relationally mediated. I tend to think in three strands: Attachment-based worth  – “I am acceptable / lovable as I am.” Competence-based confidence  – “I can learn, try, and improve.” Agency-based identity  – “I have influence; my choices matter.” If one strand is weak, overall self-esteem tends to wobble. 2. I like to build esteem through experience , not affirmation Over-praising or cognitive reframing alone rarely builds durable confidence. It can even reinforce shame if your internal experience contradicts it. Instead: A. Micro-experiences of mastery Try tasks just beyond your current capacity or even just a part of a task and build up. Try to tolerate the discomfort of trying. Look at your effort, strategy, and persistence (growth orientation). Well done! Reward? Process mistakes as survivable. Confidence comes from doing hard things and surviving them. B. Try to integrate failure Many young people don’t lack ability - they lack a narrative that can tolerate failure without collapsing into identity shame. Remember: Separate behaviour from identity - you are not your behaviour! Map internalised critical voices (whose voice is that?). Externalise perfectionism or comparison. Exploring relational origins of “not good enough”. A feminist lens may be especially relevant here - many young people (particularly girls and marginalised identities) internalise culturally imposed standards as personal inadequacy. 3. Strengthen relational mirrors Self-esteem is co-constructed. We need others to help. Find those who: Offer accurate, specific reflections rather than generic reassurance. Name strengths you don’t yet own. Track moments of courage. Gently challenge distorted self-appraisals. Also outside the room: Explore who affirms you. Notice relational contexts where you shrink. Work with boundaries and peer dynamics. Confidence rarely grows in chronically shaming environments. Which groups are safe for you? 4. Increase agency Young people gain confidence when they experience: Making choices. Expressing preferences. Surviving disagreement. Influencing outcomes. Even small interventions matter. So I would: Let you choose session focus. Invite collaborative goal setting. Encourage experiments with behavioural risks between sessions. Agency directly counters helplessness. 5. We have to consider and work with the body Especially in socially anxious or shy young people, confidence is embodied. Consider: Somatic awareness of anxiety spikes. Practising regulated exposure. Power/grounding strategies. Voice work or role play. Sometimes “confidence” is nervous system regulation in disguise. 6. Address systemic and power narratives Low self-esteem is often rational in context. Ask: Who benefits from you feeling small? What cultural standards are you comparing yourself to? Where are you resisting oppressive expectations? Helping people locate distress in systems (not just self) can be profoundly empowering. 7. Encourage identity development Confidence stabilises when young people know: What they value. What they care about. What kind of person they want to be. Values-based work (ACT-informed) can be helpful: “Even if you feel anxious, what kind of friend do you want to be?” “What matters enough to be brave for?” Courage grows faster than confidence. 8. One very important thing is to be careful of rescuing If we over-support, over-reassure, or over-structure, we accidentally communicate: “You can’t handle this alone.” Allow manageable struggle. I will reflect your resilience. Hold steady if or when you wobble. A simple working formula: Self-esteem = Being seen accurately + Doing hard things + Surviving rupture + Having agency For an older people, “confidence” often isn’t about building something new, but reclaiming something that was historically constrained and the developmental context changes everything. With older people, self-esteem is often shaped by: Long-term relational roles (mother, partner, carer, professional supporter) Internalised gendered expectations Years of minimising needs Cultural invisibility around ageing Cumulative relational wounds So, the work tends to move from performance-based confidence  to existential worth and authority. 1. Move from competence to self-authorisation With young people: “Can I do this?” With older people: “Am I allowed to want this?” Confidence becomes less about mastery and more about permission. Therapeutic focus might include: Exploring where self-silencing began Noticing patterns of over-functioning Unpacking internalised “good woman”, "good man" scripts Identifying where desire has been subordinated Often the work is about loosening relational conditioning. 2. Address internalised patriarchal narratives directly. This can include cultural narratives too. Power dynamics - here it becomes explicit. Older women may carry beliefs like: “I shouldn’t take up space.” “It’s selfish to prioritise myself.” “I’m too old to change.” “My value is in caregiving.” These aren’t cognitive distortions in isolation - they are culturally reinforced survival strategies. Confidence work here includes: Deconstructing the origin of these beliefs. Validating the context in which they made sense. Supporting conscious re-choosing. Reclaiming voice is often deeply political as well as personal. 3. Grief work is often central For younger clients, self-esteem grows forward. For older people, it often grows through: Grieving missed opportunities. Grieving the body changing. Grieving roles that structured identity. Grieving not having been seen. Unprocessed grief can masquerade as low confidence. When grief is integrated, vitality can return. 4. Reconnect with desire and aliveness A powerful intervention: “If you didn’t have to be the responsible one, what would you want?” Desire is frequently underdeveloped after decades of responsibility. Confidence grows when a woman, for instance: Identifies what she wants. Speaks it aloud. Acts on it in small ways. Survives the relational fallout. This is often where rupture tolerance becomes central. 5. I will work with relational patterns in the here-and-now Older people, particularly women, may: Defer to me in session. Minimise achievements. Apologise frequently. Avoid anger. Gently naming these dynamics in the room can be transformational: “I notice you apologise when you take up space.” Confidence builds through relational re-patterning, not just insight. 6. Embodiment shifts meaning With older people, the body can become a site of: Shame (ageing) Betrayal (illness) Invisibility Body work may include: Reclaiming sensuality. Reclaiming strength. Compassionate witnessing of ageing. Challenging youth-centric narratives. This can be deeply empowering. 7. Identity beyond role Many older women have stable external lives but fragile internal identity. Questions that build esteem: Who are you when you’re not needed? What parts of you were postponed? What is emerging now? Later-life confidence can be expansive - it can be about authority, wisdom, boundary clarity, and unapologetic presence. 8. Another thing to be aware of is pathologising appropriate anger Sometimes what is framed as “low self-esteem” is actually: Suppressed anger. Unlived assertiveness. Exhaustion from over-adaptation. When we understand our anger and integrate it, confidence can grow. In essence: For young people: Confidence grows from trying and surviving. For older people: Confidence grows from reclaiming voice, desire, and authority. It is less about “becoming more” and more about “shedding what constrained.”

Did the generation growing up in the 1970s have it better than the generation growing up in the 00s? Big question - and a fun one to tease apart! Yes, there are the advantages  often associated with growing up in the 1970s, without turning it into a “ kids-these-days ” rant (because every generation gains and  loses things). 1. Freedom, autonomy, and embodied confidence growing up in the 1970s Many 1970s young people had a level of unsupervised freedom  that’s rare now: Roaming neighbourhoods, problem-solving in real time, negotiating conflict without adults intervening Learning risk, limits, and consequences in the body , not via rules or apps This often translated into: Higher tolerance for uncertainty and boredom Practical self-reliance (“figure it out” skills) A felt sense of agency rather than constant evaluation By contrast, many 2000s young people grew up under intensive supervision , safety culture, and performance monitoring - protective in some ways, but sometimes at the cost of confidence and spontaneity. 2. Fewer surveillance dynamics No smartphones, no social media, no permanent record: You could experiment with identity without it being archived Mistakes faded with time instead of becoming searchable Social life happened locally, not performatively Psychologically, that meant: Less self-objectification Less comparison culture More room for private fantasy and unconscious play Young people in the 2000s grew up inside a panopticon - peers, platforms, parents, and algorithms all watching, rating, and shaping behaviour. 3. A slower developmental tempo The 1970s offered: Fewer academic pressures in early childhood More unstructured time Later exposure to adult anxieties (economic collapse, climate dread, global catastrophe weren’t daily background noise yet) This supported: Imagination and symbolic play Emotional digestion rather than constant stimulation A clearer developmental boundary between child and adult worlds 2000s kids often matured faster cognitively but not always emotionally , absorbing adult-level information before having the psychic scaffolding to metabolise it. 4. Material expectations were lower (and clearer) The 1970s had plenty of economic stress, but: Housing, education, and employment still felt attainable  for many The social contract, while flawed and unequal, felt more legible Fewer “infinite choice” pressures around identity, careers, and lifestyles For today’s young people: Precarity is normalised Success criteria are contradictory and shifting The horizon can feel permanently foreclosed That has real effects on hope, ambition, and anxiety. 5. Collective culture over individualised branding 1970s youth culture emphasised: Shared music, TV, political movements, subcultures Being part of something  rather than curating a personal brand This fostered: Collective identity Political imagination A sense that change happened through groups, not just personal optimisation The 2000s tilt heavily toward individual responsibility for systemic problems , which can quietly internalise failure and fuel shame. A crucial caveat (especially from a feminist lens) These benefits were unevenly distributed : Many people, particularly women, lgbtqia+ communities, and people of colour - paid a high price for that “freedom” Silence around abuse, mental health, and power meant harm often went unspoken Some of today’s gains (language, visibility, consent culture) are real and hard-won So it’s not “the 1970s were better,” but rather: They offered certain developmental and psychological affordances that are now harder to come by.

Living Quietly in a Loud World: Why Ovid Still Matters Having recently attended a family funeral, it got me thinking about what is a good life? Can we live quietly and happily and it be a good life? Ovid, writing from the heart of the Roman Empire, offered a piece of advice that feels almost subversive today: live obscurely and quietly . In a culture that prized status, reputation, and proximity to power, Ovid suggested that a good life might be found not in visibility, but in withdrawal. Two thousand years later, in Western culture saturated by exposure, performance, and relentless self-promotion, his idea feels newly relevant. The Tyranny of Visibility Contemporary Western life is organised around being seen. Social media, professional branding, and productivity culture reward those who are vocal, visible, and constantly active. To exist quietly can feel like failure, or worse, irrelevance. We are encouraged to curate ourselves, to turn our lives into narratives that can be consumed and approved of by others. It has become an extrovert world! Yet this constant visibility comes at a cost. When our attention is always outward-facing, we become increasingly alienated from our inner lives. The pressure to be noticed fosters anxiety, comparison, and a fragile sense of self-worth dependent on external validation. Ovid’s suggestion pushes back against this: obscurity is not deprivation, but protection. Quiet as Psychological Freedom Living quietly offers a particular kind of freedom - freedom from performance. When we are not always being watched, measured, or evaluated, we can listen more closely to our own rhythms, desires, and limits. A quieter life allows space for reflection, creativity, and depth, rather than speed and surface. In psychological terms, obscurity reduces the dominance of the social gaze. It softens the internalised critic shaped by cultural expectations and allows a more relational, embodied self to emerge. This is not isolation, but selective engagement: choosing intimacy over audience. Resistance to Power and Extraction From a feminist and critical perspective, Ovid’s advice can also be read as quietly radical. Modern Western systems often extract value from people by turning their identities, labour, and even suffering into content. To live obscurely is to resist being endlessly mined for productivity, relevance, or profit. If you have watched The Social Dilemma (2020) on Netflix, you would have heard the line “If you’re not paying for the product, then you are the product”   stated by Tristan Harris, former Google employee. Choosing a quieter life challenges the idea that worth must be proven publicly. It refuses the demand - often placed most heavily on marginalised bodies - to justify existence through visibility, achievement, or explanation. Obscurity can thus become an ethical stance, a way of reclaiming autonomy. Depth Over Scale A quiet life does not mean a small life. It often means one oriented toward depth rather than scale: fewer connections, but more meaningful ones; less noise, but more resonance. In contrast to the cultural obsession with growth and expansion, Ovid’s vision values sufficiency. There is something deeply humane about this. Western culture frequently confuses more  with better , yet many people discover that wellbeing emerges from limits, not excess. Living quietly allows for attentiveness - to relationships, to place, to inner movement - that abundance of stimulation erodes. Reclaiming the Ordinary Finally, obscurity dignifies the ordinary. A culture obsessed with exceptionality tends to devalue everyday life, even though it is where most meaning actually unfolds. Ovid’s counsel invites us to recognise the richness of small, unremarkable moments: conversation, routine, solitude, rest. In choosing quietness, we do not opt out of life; we opt into it more fully, on human terms rather than cultural ones. A Quietly Good Life Ovid’s idea endures because it speaks to a perennial tension: the pull between outer recognition and inner coherence. Within our culture, living obscurely and quietly can be a way of protecting the soul from overexposure, resisting exploitative norms, and cultivating a life that feels lived rather than displayed. In a world that demands constant noise, choosing quiet is not retreat - it is discernment. Thank you Lorna, for inspiring this reflection and for showing me how a life lived quietly is rich in depth. For further reading: 1 . Classic Reflections on Nature & Solitude Pilgrim at Tinker Creek - Annie Dillard A lyrical exploration of nature, silence, and deep observation. Dillard’s prose models a quiet, contemplative life rooted in paying close attention to the natural world, akin to Thoreau’s Walden  in spirit. 2. Modern Meditations on Silence and Inner Stillness Aflame: Learning from Silence   - Pico Iyer (2025) Iyer reflects on retreating to a hermitage and the spiritual richness of quiet life, blending personal story with meditation on solitude. 3. Philosophical & Practical Guides to Simplicity The Longing for Less: Living with Minimalism   - Kyle Chayka Explores modern minimalism’s appeal and pitfalls, helping readers rethink consumption and life rhythms. Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals - Oliver Burkeman A philosophical take on our limited time and how slowing down can make our weeks more meaningful. 4. Slow Living, Minimalism & Mindful Habits In Praise of Slowness - Carl Honoré   A foundational look at why slowing down can make life richer. Slow: Simple Living for a Frantic World   - Brooke McAlary Practical and warm guidance on slowing life’s pace. How to Do Nothing - Jenny Odell A critical and inspiring argument for rejecting the productivity addiction and reclaiming focus, place, and creativity. The Little Book of Hygge - Meik Wiking   Explores coziness and intentional simplicity as emotional nourishment. 5. Fiction & Slice-of-Life Inspirations Even novels can teach quiet living by immersing you in gentle rhythms and internal worlds rather than external drama: Hannah Coulter - Wendell Berry (quiet rural life, community and presence) The Summer Book - Tove Jansson (peaceful summers and simplicity) A Psalm for the Wild-Built - Becky Chambers (fictional encounter with simplicity and inner questions) 6. Other Interesting Picks (Roots & Culture) If you want something that bridges quieter living with deeper cultural or philosophical roots: The Book of Tea   - Okakura Kakuzō An essay linking simple aesthetic life with deeper cultural meaning. The Need for Roots - Simone Weil Not about “quiet living” in the obvious sense, but a profound meditation on rootedness, meaning, and community - which many find grounding in an uprooted, fast world. 🌿 Tips for Choosing What to Read If you want philosophy, not advice:  Try Iyer, Burkeman, or Weil. If you want spirituality and presence:  Honoré, McAlary, Wiking, Sunim. If you want fiction with stillness:  Berry or Jansson. If you want cultural lenses on simplicity:  Kakuzō’s essay.

Connection and intimacy is both a tender and crucial part of a relationship and the question shows you’re already taking a thoughtful step toward rebuilding. Restoring intimacy and connection often means nurturing emotional safety, curiosity and shared presence again. Here are some ways to approach it, depending on where the disconnection lies: 🌿 1. Connection begins with gentle honesty Start by naming the distance, not in blame but in longing. You might say something like: “ I miss feeling close to you. I’d like us to find our way back to that connection. ” This opens a doorway rather than a defence. It signals care and vulnerability, which are prerequisites for intimacy. 💬 2. Restore emotional attunement Intimacy begins with being seen and felt . Try: Daily emotional check-ins : short moments where you share how you’re really  doing, beyond logistics. Reflective listening : mirror back what you hear before responding (“ It sounds like you’ve been feeling unseen lately - did I get that right? ”). Curiosity over correction : replace “ You’re overreacting ” with “ Tell me more about what that feels like .” Seek to understand. 💞 3. Rebuild physical and sensual intimacy gradually If physical closeness has faded: Start with non-sexual touch  (holding hands, a hug, brushing a shoulder). Make every kiss last at least 6 seconds. Slow down - let eye contact, breath, and gentle presence reawaken comfort. When it feels right, explore touch as communication rather than performance. 🧠 4. Reconnect through shared meaning Couples often drift when they stop co-creating purpose. Ask each other: “ What do we want to work on together at the moment ?” “ How do we want our relationship to feel - not just function ?” Shared goals or rituals (a Sunday walk, a shared meal without screens, a creative project) can rebuild emotional glue. 🪞 5. Reflect on the cycle, not the symptom Disconnection usually follows a pattern : one partner withdraws, the other protests, and both feel unseen. Can you map your cycle together? For example: “ When I feel you pull away, I chase for reassurance - which makes you retreat more .” Seeing the cycle makes it you two against the pattern , not you against each other . 🕯️ 6. Rebuild safety Connection can’t thrive where either partner feels criticised or dismissed. Small repairs matter: Acknowledge hurt without justification. Talk back to back to avoid tension. Apologise for missed attunements. Offer reassurance: “ I’m still here and I want to keep working on this .” 💫 7. Reimagine intimacy beyond romance Intimacy can also mean: Shared laughter Look each other in the eye and hold for 3 - 4 seconds. Dreaming together about the future Honest vulnerability about fears, desires, or regrets When both partners feel emotionally met, physical and romantic closeness are more likely to follow naturally. According to Esther Perel, the quality of your relationships shapes the quality of your life. It is your choice whether to try any of these exercises – sadly, many won't, due to pride or maybe a belief it isn't them but their partner, and that's perfectly fine. Investing your time in your relationships is invaluable, and you can view these tips as small investments. You don't need to do them all; just try one or two and see how it sits with you. Good luck!

A self-help booklist can be very helpful when working through challenges such as depression, anxiety, trauma, or relationship difficulties. The titles below offer practical tools, personal stories, and compassionate insights to support your journey toward healing and self-understanding. Many of these I have read or have been recommended to me by other therapists. Let me know what you think. 💭 Understanding and Lifting Depression Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy - David D. Burns. A classic cognitive-behavioural guide with practical exercises for shifting negative thought patterns. The Mindful Way Through Depression - Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal & Jon Kabat-Zinn. Combines mindfulness and self-compassion to break the cycle of low mood. Lost Connections   - Johann Hari. Explores social, emotional, and environmental causes of depression and paths to reconnection. Reasons to Stay Alive - Matt Haig. A heartfelt, hopeful memoir about recovery from depression. Overcoming Depression - Paul Gilbert. Straightforward guide to understanding and challenging depression. 😰 Managing Anxiety and Panic The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook - Edmund J. Bourne. A comprehensive, step-by-step guide for understanding and managing anxiety. The Anxiety Toolkit - Alice Boyes. Simple CBT-based tools for everyday anxious thinking. When Panic Attacks - David D. Burns. A practical guide for tackling panic and worry using evidence-based strategies. How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety - Ellen Hendriksen. Reassuring advice for anyone struggling with shyness or social anxiety. The Feeling Good Handbook - David Burns . Another good book from David Burns offering practical exercises. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway - Susan Jeffers . Straightforward text encouraging us to gently face our fears. Overcoming Anxiety - Helen Kennerley . 💔 Healing from Trauma and Emotional Pain The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel van der Kolk. Explores how trauma affects the mind and body — and how healing can occur through body-based therapies. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma - Peter Levine. Introduces gentle techniques to release stored trauma energy. What Happened to You? - Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey. A compassionate conversation about trauma, resilience, and understanding ourselves. It Didn’t Start With You - Mark Wolynn. Explores how family patterns and inherited trauma can shape emotional well-being. The Primal Wound - Nancy Verrier . Ground-breaking text exploring the impact of adoption from an attachment perspective. The Myth of Normal - Gabor Mate. Understanding the impact of emotional pain. 🌿 Addiction, Recovery and Self-Compassion In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts - Gabor Maté. Understanding the roots of addiction and pathways to healing. Unbroken Brain - Maia Szalavitz. Challenges the “disease model” of addiction with empathy and research. Clean: The New Science of Addiction and Recovery - David Sheff. An overview of what recovery can look like. 💞 Relationships, Boundaries, and Emotional Growth Attached - Amir Levine & Rachel Heller. Understanding your attachment style and how it affects relationships. Why Love Matters - Sue Gerhardt . Why loving relationships are essential to brain development. Set Boundaries, Find Peace - Nedra Glover Tawwab. A practical guide to creating healthier relationships. The Gifts of Imperfection - Brené Brown. Encourages courage, vulnerability, and self-acceptance. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay C. Gibson. Exploring difficult family dynamics. Getting The Love You Want - Harville Hendrix . Practical exercises to improve your relationship. Love’s Executioner - Irvin Yalom . Clients' and Yalom exploring love. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman . How to improve your long-term relationship. The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman . What is your way of expressing and receiving love? 🧘‍♀️ Mindfulness, Compassion and Everyday Well-Being Wherever You Go, There You Are - J on Kabat-Zinn. A simple introduction to mindfulness practice. Radical Acceptance - Tara Brach. Teaches how to meet pain and imperfection with compassion. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself - Kristin Neff. A practical guide to treating yourself with the same care you offer others. The Happiness Trap - Russ Harris. ACT-based techniques for accepting emotions and living a meaningful life. When Things Fall Apart - Pema Chödrön. Gentle Buddhist wisdom on facing difficulty with openness and courage. ☁️Bereavement You’ll Get Over it – the Rage of Bereavement - Virginia Ironside . Grief can be very different for each of us. Grief Works - Julia Samuels . Super book describing clients' experiences of processing their grief. 🧠 Personal Growth and Meaning Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life - James Hollis . Exploring the impact of aging. Man’s Search for Meaning - Viktor E. Frankl. A profound reflection on finding purpose through suffering and choice. The Road Less Travelled - M. Scott Peck. Combines psychology and spirituality to explore personal growth and discipline. The Gifts of Therapy - Irvin D. Yalom. Insightful stories about change and the human condition from a master psychotherapist. Games People Play - Eric Berne. Exploring our interactions and behaviours in relationships. 🪆Other Useful Self Help Books: BPD/EUPD: I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me - Jerold Kreisman & Hal Straus   Co-dependency: Codependent No More - Melody Beattie   Domestic Abuse / Violence: Living With The Dominator - Pat Craven   Eating Disorders: Anorexia and Other Eating Disorders - Eva Musby   EMDR: Tapping In - Laurel Parnell   Inner Child: Homecoming- Reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child - John Bradshaw   IFS: No Bad Parts - Richard Schwartz   Introversion: Quiet - Susan Cain   Mortality: Staring at the Sun - Irvin Yalom   Parenting: The Book You Wished Your Parents Had Read - Phillippa Perry   Self-Esteem: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem - Melanie Fennel   Sex / Sexuality: Mind the Gap - Karen Gurney Rewriting the Rule s - Meg John Barker   Sexual Abuse: New Shoes - Rebecca Mitchell   Sleep: Why We Sleep - Matthew Walker   Vulnerability: Daring Greatly - Brene Brown 🌱 A Final Self-Help Booklist Note A self-help booklist can be a powerful source of insight and comfort, but it’s not a substitute for therapy. If you find any of these books bring up strong emotions, you might want to discuss them with your therapist or someone you trust. If you have read a book not on the list and found it useful, let me know! Always happy to add new books particularly recommendations.

A busy urban street scene overlaid with a quote by Gabor Maté highlights the internal nature of trauma, emphasising the psychological impact over external events. When a child aligns strongly with one parent after family separation and begins to reject the other - often with sudden, intense dislike - the underlying issue is rarely as simple as it appears. Whether it is labelled " parental alienation ," " resist/refuse dynamics ," or dismissed entirely, what is frequently missed is the profound attachment trauma that underpins this behaviour. Drawing on the work of Karen Woodall and the Family Separation Clinic, this is not simply a behavioural issue or a loyalty conflict in isolation, but is a relational trauma. It is a trauma that originates in the child’s attachment system, which has been forced to adapt - often maladapt - in the face of overwhelming adult dynamics and psychological splitting. Psychological Splitting and Attachment Trauma Maladaptation What do I mean by this? Children are highly sensitive to the emotional climates in which they live. When exposed to a high-conflict post-separation environment, especially one where a caregiver is unpredictable, distressed, or coercively controlling, children may enter a disorganised attachment state. As Woodall and others have shown, children reflexively adapt to the dominant emotional narrative of the parent they are most dependent on - not out of preference, but as a survival strategy. The attachment literature is clear: in the face of unpredictability or fear, children often disavow their own emotional needs and align themselves with what they perceive the caregiving adult needs or wants. This phenomenon is well-documented in the work of Bowlby, Main, and Crittenden. It is an unconscious, protective adaptation - not an informed rejection. The Role of the Resident Parent Post-separation, children are often primarily resident with one parent. If this parent is emotionally distressed, angry, fearful, or transmitting subtle (or overt) inter-psychic messages that the other parent is dangerous, irrelevant, or disposable, the child may begin to internalise this narrative. The psychological safety of staying " aligned " with the dominant parent becomes more important than preserving a previously loving relationship with the other. The result is rejection - not just of the other parent, but of an entire part of the child’s identity. As Karen Woodall argues, this is not about blame. In some cases, the non-resident parent may be enacting coercive control themselves. These situations are complex and nuanced. But what is consistent is the mechanism of splitting - the all-good/all-bad narrative that develops in the child's mind - and the emotional tone of rejection: it is almost always laced with contempt, disdain, and an absence of ambivalence. When “Alienation” Becomes a Gendered Battleground Debates around parental alienation are increasingly polarised. In some feminist circles, the concept is viewed as a tactic used by abusive fathers to silence mothers' safeguarding concerns. In response, some groups have reframed the dynamic when it happens to women as “ Child and Mother Sabotage. ” In the USA, Dr. Craig Childress has attempted to ground this phenomenon in attachment theory through the framework of ABPA (Attachment-Based Parental Alienation), while at the Family Separation Clinic, Woodall refers to it simply and clearly as attachment-related trauma . Whatever we call it, the children involved are too often lost in the battle. As Woodall points out, their lived experience is subsumed under political narratives. When advocacy for parental rights - on either side - overshadows the developmental needs of the child, what results is the normalisation of emotional abuse. Hidden harm becomes invisible, unspoken, and unexplored. A Hidden Loss I have seen videos myself from a time before the rejection began. The child’s face was alight with joy and connection, their world rich with family, friendship, and emotional security yet today, that relationship no longer exists. Not because the parent harmed the child, but because the child was caught in the gravitational pull of overwhelming adult needs. The loss is profound - and the child, now older, may not even realise it. As Woodall and others note, the psychological cost doesn’t vanish. It waits. It surfaces later - perhaps when that child becomes a parent themselves and finds they don’t know how to securely attach or when they repeat the same rejection pattern, passing on an intergenerational trauma that no one ever named. What Needs to Change? There are  situations where children are better off without a harmful or abusive parent. This cannot be denied. But what must also be acknowledged is that in many cases of stark parent-child rejection post-separation, the issue is not protection but coercion, not safety but fear-based adaptation. Until we face the reality that some children are being forced - psychologically and emotionally - to sever loving bonds with a once-secure caregiver, we will continue to miss the mark. We will fail these children again and again. Karen Woodall writes that we must stop viewing these dynamics through a binary lens of belief/disbelief, alienation/abuse, mother/father. Instead, we must attune ourselves to the child’s experience - their terror, their confusion, their loss. We must speak the language of attachment, not ideology. Final Thoughts I don’t need to watch videos of children smiling in the arms of parents they later rejected to convince me of the scale of this hidden harm. But when I do, I am reminded why this work matters - not for the parents, but for the children who grow up not knowing what they lost, and who may carry that loss like an unexploded bomb into the next generation. We say we care about child abuse yet until we recognise attachment trauma caused by coercive family dynamics for what it is, we are only seeing part of the picture. If we listened to children’s experiences more closely - really listened - we might find the will to act. For more information and Karen Woodall's excellent Blog: Karen Woodall – Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer

Dancing is not just a joyful activity; it’s a powerful way to lift your mood, express yourself, and connect with others. As well as fun and entertaining, dancing has been shown to have remarkable effects on our mental health. Recent studies show that regular engagement in dance can significantly improve emotional well-being, boost cognitive function, and enhance overall mental health. The Connection Between Dance and Mental Health Dance is a physical activity that blends movement, rhythm, and social connection. This combination brings numerous mental health benefits. Research indicates that physical activity typically improves mood and reduces symptoms of anxiety and depression. Yet, dance offers additional advantages due to its expressive nature and social elements. A study from the University of Derby found that just 30 minutes of dance can boost endorphin levels by up to 50%, leading to noticeable feelings of happiness. Engaging in dance not only combats stress and anxiety but also promotes a sense of belonging and community. Evidence Supporting the Benefits of Dance 1. Dance and Depression A study published in Arts & Health revealed that people who regularly participated in dance classes reported a 25% decrease in depressive symptoms compared to those who did not dance. The combination of physical exertion and social interaction creates an environment that fosters connection, reducing feelings of isolation. 2. Dance as a Stress Reliever Research in the Journal of Physical Activity and Health found that participants in dance sessions experienced a 30% reduction in cortisol levels, the stress hormone. The rhythmic movements paired with music serve as a meditative experience, helping individuals stay present and alleviate tension. 3. Cognitive Benefits of Dance Dancing not only supports emotional well-being but also benefits cognitive abilities. Research published in Neuropsychology Review indicated that learning new dance routines improved memory retention by 10%. This mental challenge particularly benefits older adults, keeping their brains sharp and engaged. 4. Social Interaction and Support Dance is inherently social. A study in the American Journal of Public Health found that regular participation in dance activities improved mental health outcomes in participants, reducing loneliness by 40%. The supportive community in dance classes helps combat feelings of isolation, a key factor in mental health challenges. Types of Dance and Their Unique Benefits Different dance styles can offer diverse benefits for mental well-being. Here are a few popular forms of dance and their specific contributions: 1. Ballet Ballet fosters discipline and control, improving focus and self-esteem. One study found that participants showed a 20% increase in self-confidence after taking ballet classes over six months. 2. Hip-Hop Hip-hop dance is dynamic and expressive, allowing individuals to channel emotions effectively. The improvisational nature of hip-hop encourages creativity and self-expression, both of which are vital for mental health. 3. Zumba Zumba merges dance with aerobic exercise, delivering a delightful way to uplift mood and energy levels. Participants often report a 50% increase in feelings of joy during Zumba classes, thanks to the lively music and group dynamics. 4. Salsa Salsa dancing typically involves partners, promoting interaction and connection. This playful dance style helps individuals relieve stress and anxiety, encouraging them to enjoy life in the moment. Practical Tips for Incorporating Dance into Your Life Ready to boost your mental health through dance? Here are some practical suggestions to help you get started: Join a Dance Class : Search for local dance studios or community centres with various class offerings. This structure can strengthen your commitment and offer a sense of belonging. Dance at Home : Curate a playlist of your favourite tunes and let loose in your living room or kitchen. This simple act can provide stress relief and elevate your spirits. Remember Sophie Ellis-Bextor and her 'kitchen disco' during Covid? Attend Local Dance Events : Look for social dance events in your area where you can meet new people and have fun dancing in a relaxed setting. Explore Online Dance Workouts : Many online platforms offer dance workouts that you can do at home, perfect for easing into dance if you feel shy about public spaces. Try Different Styles : Experimenting with various dance forms can keep the experience exciting and highlight unique mental benefits each style brings. From ballroom to latin, line dancing to solo jazz, swing, lindy hop and jive- there are a variety of styles to choose from. A lively dance studio filled with energy and creativity Embracing Dance for Better Mental Health Dancing is more than just a fun pastime; it is a powerful resource for enhancing mental health. The evidence supporting the benefits of dance is strong, showing its effectiveness in reducing depression, alleviating stress, improving cognitive function, and building social connections. By embracing dance in your life, you can reap these benefits and significantly boost your overall well-being. Whether you decide to join a class, dance at home, or participate in social events, let the rhythm of dance uplift your spirit and lead you toward a happier, more fulfilling life!

Romeo wooing Juliet! As the wonderful School of Love clearly explains, our romantic view of love can make long-term relationships a challenge. Many of these ideas stem from the Romantic time period. As 'love' is a social conscript, where do our beliefs come from? What did other time periods believe? Here's a timeline of how Western ideas of love evolved, with the Romantic period highlighted in context: 🏛 Ancient World (c. 800 BCE – 500 CE) Greek & Roman views : Love was often seen as irrational, disruptive, or even dangerous. Plato distinguished between eros  (desire), philia  (friendship), and agape  (selfless love). Marriage was more about family alliances, property, and reproduction than passion. Passionate love could exist, but it was often outside marriage (mistresses, affairs, pederastic traditions). 🏰 Medieval Courtly Love (12th–14th centuries) Troubadours & chivalry : Love was idealised as noble longing, often directed toward someone unattainable (a married noblewoman, for example). Love was associated with suffering, yearning, and devotion. It was more about aesthetic ideals  than practical marriage. 🎭 Renaissance & Enlightenment (16th–18th centuries) Renaissance : Shakespeare and others explored passionate love, but still within tension between duty and desire ( Romeo and Juliet ). Enlightenment : New ideas about individual freedom and personal happiness reframed marriage as ideally companionate, chosen for love rather than arrangement. Novels (e.g. Samuel Richardson’s Pamela , Rousseau’s Julie, or the New Heloise ) emphasised inner feelings and emotional authenticity. 🌹 Romantic Period (late 18th – mid 19th centuries) This is where modern ideas of “romantic love” crystallised. Love as transcendent - a path to truth, meaning, or even the divine. Love as individual - the idea of “the one” or a soulmate. Love as rebellion - often portrayed in defiance of class, family, or convention. Love as authentic - raw passion connected to nature and inner truth. Influences: Goethe ( The Sorrows of Young Werther ), Byron, Shelley, Wordsworth, Keats. 🎩 Victorian Era (mid–late 19th century) Love was still idealised, but placed within strict moral and social frameworks. Emphasis on marriage as both romantic and respectable  (love + duty). Gender roles became rigid: women as guardians of morality, men as providers. 🎥 20th Century Cinema and popular culture  spread Romantic ideals globally (Hollywood / Disney love stories, the “happily ever after”). Psychology  reframed love as personal growth, attachment, and intimacy. Feminism & sexual revolution  introduced love as freedom, equality, and erotic fulfilment. Shift toward companionate marriage - partners chosen for both passion and partnership. 📱 21st Century We live with a patchwork: Romantic ideals : soulmates, passion, destiny. Pragmatic ideals : compatibility, shared goals, cohabitation. New dynamics : online dating, polyamory, queer love narratives, and love as self-fulfilment. Love is often seen as both deeply personal and  culturally scripted. ✨ So, the Romantic period is a turning point - it didn’t invent love, but it invented our modern cultural script for what “true love” should feel like . That does not mean we should give up on love; rather recognise that it's more of a skill, not simply an emotion - a verb rather than a noun! We must go from the ideal (limerence) to the ordeal to get to the real deal in our romantic relationships (Hendrix). Here’s a comparison table of current psychological theories of love  with their main focus and the key researchers: Theory Main Focus Key Researchers Triangular Theory of Love Love has three components: intimacy, passion, commitment; different blends = different types of love. Robert Sternberg (1986, 2019) Attachment Theory (Adult Attachment) Early attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) shape adult romantic relationships and love patterns. John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Hazan & Shaver (1987), Bartholomew (1991) Evolutionary Theory of Love Love evolved to promote pair bonding, child-rearing, and reproductive success. David Buss, Helen Fisher Self-Expansion Model Love involves expanding the self through the partner—gaining new perspectives, identities, and growth. Arthur & Elaine Aron (1986–present) Love as Emotion & Motivation Love is a basic affective/motivational system, with neural bases (oxytocin, dopamine, etc.) for bonding and caregiving. Jaak Panksepp, Andreas Bartels & Semir Zeki Positive Psychology Approaches Love as a core character strength; central to well-being and flourishing; micro-moments of connection build resilience. Martin Seligman, Barbara Fredrickson (1998, 2013), Peterson & Seligman (2004) Compassionate Love Theory Emphasises selfless, caring love - compassion, concern, and altruism in relationships. Susan Sprecher & Beverley Fehr (2005) Duplex Theory of Love Expands triangular theory with “love stories” (the narratives couples tell to make sense of their relationship). Robert Sternberg (2019) Cultural & Social Perspectives Love shaped by cultural norms (individualistic vs. collectivist, digital intimacy, polyamory, queer love). Cultural & social psychologists (e.g., Shaver, Finkel, Karandashev)