Connection and intimacy is both a tender and crucial part of a relationship and the question shows you’re already taking a thoughtful step toward rebuilding. Restoring intimacy and connection often means nurturing emotional safety, curiosity and shared presence again. Here are some ways to approach it, depending on where the disconnection lies: 🌿 1. Connection begins with gentle honesty Start by naming the distance, not in blame but in longing. You might say something like: “ I miss feeling close to you. I’d like us to find our way back to that connection. ” This opens a doorway rather than a defence. It signals care and vulnerability, which are prerequisites for intimacy. 💬 2. Restore emotional attunement Intimacy begins with being seen and felt . Try: Daily emotional check-ins : short moments where you share how you’re really  doing, beyond logistics. Reflective listening : mirror back what you hear before responding (“ It sounds like you’ve been feeling unseen lately - did I get that right? ”). Curiosity over correction : replace “ You’re overreacting ” with “ Tell me more about what that feels like .” Seek to understand. 💞 3. Rebuild physical and sensual intimacy gradually If physical closeness has faded: Start with non-sexual touch  (holding hands, a hug, brushing a shoulder). Make every kiss last at least 6 seconds. Slow down - let eye contact, breath, and gentle presence reawaken comfort. When it feels right, explore touch as communication rather than performance. 🧠 4. Reconnect through shared meaning Couples often drift when they stop co-creating purpose. Ask each other: “ What do we want to work on together at the moment ?” “ How do we want our relationship to feel - not just function ?” Shared goals or rituals (a Sunday walk, a shared meal without screens, a creative project) can rebuild emotional glue. 🪞 5. Reflect on the cycle, not the symptom Disconnection usually follows a pattern : one partner withdraws, the other protests, and both feel unseen. Can you map your cycle together? For example: “ When I feel you pull away, I chase for reassurance - which makes you retreat more .” Seeing the cycle makes it you two against the pattern , not you against each other . 🕯️ 6. Rebuild safety Connection can’t thrive where either partner feels criticised or dismissed. Small repairs matter: Acknowledge hurt without justification. Talk back to back to avoid tension. Apologise for missed attunements. Offer reassurance: “ I’m still here and I want to keep working on this .” 💫 7. Reimagine intimacy beyond romance Intimacy can also mean: Shared laughter Look each other in the eye and hold for 3 - 4 seconds. Dreaming together about the future Honest vulnerability about fears, desires, or regrets When both partners feel emotionally met, physical and romantic closeness are more likely to follow naturally. According to Esther Perel, the quality of your relationships shapes the quality of your life. It is your choice whether to try any of these exercises – sadly, many won't, due to pride or maybe a belief it isn't them but their partner, and that's perfectly fine. Investing your time in your relationships is invaluable, and you can view these tips as small investments. You don't need to do them all; just try one or two and see how it sits with you. Good luck!

A self-help booklist can be very helpful when working through challenges such as depression, anxiety, trauma, or relationship difficulties. The titles below offer practical tools, personal stories, and compassionate insights to support your journey toward healing and self-understanding. Many of these I have read or have been recommended to me by other therapists. Let me know what you think. 💭 Understanding and Lifting Depression Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy - David D. Burns. A classic cognitive-behavioural guide with practical exercises for shifting negative thought patterns. The Mindful Way Through Depression - Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal & Jon Kabat-Zinn. Combines mindfulness and self-compassion to break the cycle of low mood. Lost Connections   - Johann Hari. Explores social, emotional, and environmental causes of depression and paths to reconnection. Reasons to Stay Alive - Matt Haig. A heartfelt, hopeful memoir about recovery from depression. Overcoming Depression - Paul Gilbert. Straightforward guide to understanding and challenging depression. 😰 Managing Anxiety and Panic The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook - Edmund J. Bourne. A comprehensive, step-by-step guide for understanding and managing anxiety. The Anxiety Toolkit - Alice Boyes. Simple CBT-based tools for everyday anxious thinking. When Panic Attacks - David D. Burns. A practical guide for tackling panic and worry using evidence-based strategies. How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety - Ellen Hendriksen. Reassuring advice for anyone struggling with shyness or social anxiety. The Feeling Good Handbook - David Burns . Another good book from David Burns offering practical exercises. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway - Susan Jeffers . Straightforward text encouraging us to gently face our fears. Overcoming Anxiety - Helen Kennerley . 💔 Healing from Trauma and Emotional Pain The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel van der Kolk. Explores how trauma affects the mind and body — and how healing can occur through body-based therapies. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma - Peter Levine. Introduces gentle techniques to release stored trauma energy. What Happened to You? - Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey. A compassionate conversation about trauma, resilience, and understanding ourselves. It Didn’t Start With You - Mark Wolynn. Explores how family patterns and inherited trauma can shape emotional well-being. The Primal Wound - Nancy Verrier . Ground-breaking text exploring the impact of adoption from an attachment perspective. The Myth of Normal - Gabor Mate. Understanding the impact of emotional pain. 🌿 Addiction, Recovery and Self-Compassion In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts - Gabor Maté. Understanding the roots of addiction and pathways to healing. Unbroken Brain - Maia Szalavitz. Challenges the “disease model” of addiction with empathy and research. Clean: The New Science of Addiction and Recovery - David Sheff. An overview of what recovery can look like. 💞 Relationships, Boundaries, and Emotional Growth Attached - Amir Levine & Rachel Heller. Understanding your attachment style and how it affects relationships. Why Love Matters - Sue Gerhardt . Why loving relationships are essential to brain development. Set Boundaries, Find Peace - Nedra Glover Tawwab. A practical guide to creating healthier relationships. The Gifts of Imperfection - Brené Brown. Encourages courage, vulnerability, and self-acceptance. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay C. Gibson. Exploring difficult family dynamics. Getting The Love You Want - Harville Hendrix . Practical exercises to improve your relationship. Love’s Executioner - Irvin Yalom . Clients' and Yalom exploring love. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - John Gottman . How to improve your long-term relationship. The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman . What is your way of expressing and receiving love? 🧘‍♀️ Mindfulness, Compassion and Everyday Well-Being Wherever You Go, There You Are - J on Kabat-Zinn. A simple introduction to mindfulness practice. Radical Acceptance - Tara Brach. Teaches how to meet pain and imperfection with compassion. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself - Kristin Neff. A practical guide to treating yourself with the same care you offer others. The Happiness Trap - Russ Harris. ACT-based techniques for accepting emotions and living a meaningful life. When Things Fall Apart - Pema Chödrön. Gentle Buddhist wisdom on facing difficulty with openness and courage. ☁️Bereavement You’ll Get Over it – the Rage of Bereavement - Virginia Ironside . Grief can be very different for each of us. Grief Works - Julia Samuels . Super book describing clients' experiences of processing their grief. 🧠 Personal Growth and Meaning Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life - James Hollis . Exploring the impact of aging. Man’s Search for Meaning - Viktor E. Frankl. A profound reflection on finding purpose through suffering and choice. The Road Less Travelled - M. Scott Peck. Combines psychology and spirituality to explore personal growth and discipline. The Gifts of Therapy - Irvin D. Yalom. Insightful stories about change and the human condition from a master psychotherapist. Games People Play - Eric Berne. Exploring our interactions and behaviours in relationships. 🪆Other Useful Self Help Books: BPD/EUPD: I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me - Jerold Kreisman & Hal Straus   Co-dependency: Codependent No More - Melody Beattie   Domestic Abuse / Violence: Living With The Dominator - Pat Craven   Eating Disorders: Anorexia and Other Eating Disorders - Eva Musby   EMDR: Tapping In - Laurel Parnell   Inner Child: Homecoming- Reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child - John Bradshaw   IFS: No Bad Parts - Richard Schwartz   Introversion: Quiet - Susan Cain   Mortality: Staring at the Sun - Irvin Yalom   Parenting: The Book You Wished Your Parents Had Read - Phillippa Perry   Self-Esteem: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem - Melanie Fennel   Sex / Sexuality: Mind the Gap - Karen Gurney Rewriting the Rule s - Meg John Barker   Sexual Abuse: New Shoes - Rebecca Mitchell   Sleep: Why We Sleep - Matthew Walker   Vulnerability: Daring Greatly - Brene Brown 🌱 A Final Self-Help Booklist Note A self-help booklist can be a powerful source of insight and comfort, but it’s not a substitute for therapy. If you find any of these books bring up strong emotions, you might want to discuss them with your therapist or someone you trust. If you have read a book not on the list and found it useful, let me know! Always happy to add new books particularly recommendations.

A busy urban street scene overlaid with a quote by Gabor Maté highlights the internal nature of trauma, emphasising the psychological impact over external events. When a child aligns strongly with one parent after family separation and begins to reject the other - often with sudden, intense dislike - the underlying issue is rarely as simple as it appears. Whether it is labelled " parental alienation ," " resist/refuse dynamics ," or dismissed entirely, what is frequently missed is the profound attachment trauma that underpins this behaviour. Drawing on the work of Karen Woodall and the Family Separation Clinic, this is not simply a behavioural issue or a loyalty conflict in isolation, but is a relational trauma. It is a trauma that originates in the child’s attachment system, which has been forced to adapt - often maladapt - in the face of overwhelming adult dynamics and psychological splitting. Psychological Splitting and Attachment Trauma Maladaptation What do I mean by this? Children are highly sensitive to the emotional climates in which they live. When exposed to a high-conflict post-separation environment, especially one where a caregiver is unpredictable, distressed, or coercively controlling, children may enter a disorganised attachment state. As Woodall and others have shown, children reflexively adapt to the dominant emotional narrative of the parent they are most dependent on - not out of preference, but as a survival strategy. The attachment literature is clear: in the face of unpredictability or fear, children often disavow their own emotional needs and align themselves with what they perceive the caregiving adult needs or wants. This phenomenon is well-documented in the work of Bowlby, Main, and Crittenden. It is an unconscious, protective adaptation - not an informed rejection. The Role of the Resident Parent Post-separation, children are often primarily resident with one parent. If this parent is emotionally distressed, angry, fearful, or transmitting subtle (or overt) inter-psychic messages that the other parent is dangerous, irrelevant, or disposable, the child may begin to internalise this narrative. The psychological safety of staying " aligned " with the dominant parent becomes more important than preserving a previously loving relationship with the other. The result is rejection - not just of the other parent, but of an entire part of the child’s identity. As Karen Woodall argues, this is not about blame. In some cases, the non-resident parent may be enacting coercive control themselves. These situations are complex and nuanced. But what is consistent is the mechanism of splitting - the all-good/all-bad narrative that develops in the child's mind - and the emotional tone of rejection: it is almost always laced with contempt, disdain, and an absence of ambivalence. When “Alienation” Becomes a Gendered Battleground Debates around parental alienation are increasingly polarised. In some feminist circles, the concept is viewed as a tactic used by abusive fathers to silence mothers' safeguarding concerns. In response, some groups have reframed the dynamic when it happens to women as “ Child and Mother Sabotage. ” In the USA, Dr. Craig Childress has attempted to ground this phenomenon in attachment theory through the framework of ABPA (Attachment-Based Parental Alienation), while at the Family Separation Clinic, Woodall refers to it simply and clearly as attachment-related trauma . Whatever we call it, the children involved are too often lost in the battle. As Woodall points out, their lived experience is subsumed under political narratives. When advocacy for parental rights - on either side - overshadows the developmental needs of the child, what results is the normalisation of emotional abuse. Hidden harm becomes invisible, unspoken, and unexplored. A Hidden Loss I have seen videos myself from a time before the rejection began. The child’s face was alight with joy and connection, their world rich with family, friendship, and emotional security yet today, that relationship no longer exists. Not because the parent harmed the child, but because the child was caught in the gravitational pull of overwhelming adult needs. The loss is profound - and the child, now older, may not even realise it. As Woodall and others note, the psychological cost doesn’t vanish. It waits. It surfaces later - perhaps when that child becomes a parent themselves and finds they don’t know how to securely attach or when they repeat the same rejection pattern, passing on an intergenerational trauma that no one ever named. What Needs to Change? There are  situations where children are better off without a harmful or abusive parent. This cannot be denied. But what must also be acknowledged is that in many cases of stark parent-child rejection post-separation, the issue is not protection but coercion, not safety but fear-based adaptation. Until we face the reality that some children are being forced - psychologically and emotionally - to sever loving bonds with a once-secure caregiver, we will continue to miss the mark. We will fail these children again and again. Karen Woodall writes that we must stop viewing these dynamics through a binary lens of belief/disbelief, alienation/abuse, mother/father. Instead, we must attune ourselves to the child’s experience - their terror, their confusion, their loss. We must speak the language of attachment, not ideology. Final Thoughts I don’t need to watch videos of children smiling in the arms of parents they later rejected to convince me of the scale of this hidden harm. But when I do, I am reminded why this work matters - not for the parents, but for the children who grow up not knowing what they lost, and who may carry that loss like an unexploded bomb into the next generation. We say we care about child abuse yet until we recognise attachment trauma caused by coercive family dynamics for what it is, we are only seeing part of the picture. If we listened to children’s experiences more closely - really listened - we might find the will to act. For more information and Karen Woodall's excellent Blog: Karen Woodall – Psychotherapist, Writer, Researcher, Trainer

Dancing is not just a joyful activity; it’s a powerful way to lift your mood, express yourself, and connect with others. As well as fun and entertaining, dancing has been shown to have remarkable effects on our mental health. Recent studies show that regular engagement in dance can significantly improve emotional well-being, boost cognitive function, and enhance overall mental health. The Connection Between Dance and Mental Health Dance is a physical activity that blends movement, rhythm, and social connection. This combination brings numerous mental health benefits. Research indicates that physical activity typically improves mood and reduces symptoms of anxiety and depression. Yet, dance offers additional advantages due to its expressive nature and social elements. A study from the University of Derby found that just 30 minutes of dance can boost endorphin levels by up to 50%, leading to noticeable feelings of happiness. Engaging in dance not only combats stress and anxiety but also promotes a sense of belonging and community. Evidence Supporting the Benefits of Dance 1. Dance and Depression A study published in Arts & Health revealed that people who regularly participated in dance classes reported a 25% decrease in depressive symptoms compared to those who did not dance. The combination of physical exertion and social interaction creates an environment that fosters connection, reducing feelings of isolation. 2. Dance as a Stress Reliever Research in the Journal of Physical Activity and Health found that participants in dance sessions experienced a 30% reduction in cortisol levels, the stress hormone. The rhythmic movements paired with music serve as a meditative experience, helping individuals stay present and alleviate tension. 3. Cognitive Benefits of Dance Dancing not only supports emotional well-being but also benefits cognitive abilities. Research published in Neuropsychology Review indicated that learning new dance routines improved memory retention by 10%. This mental challenge particularly benefits older adults, keeping their brains sharp and engaged. 4. Social Interaction and Support Dance is inherently social. A study in the American Journal of Public Health found that regular participation in dance activities improved mental health outcomes in participants, reducing loneliness by 40%. The supportive community in dance classes helps combat feelings of isolation, a key factor in mental health challenges. Types of Dance and Their Unique Benefits Different dance styles can offer diverse benefits for mental well-being. Here are a few popular forms of dance and their specific contributions: 1. Ballet Ballet fosters discipline and control, improving focus and self-esteem. One study found that participants showed a 20% increase in self-confidence after taking ballet classes over six months. 2. Hip-Hop Hip-hop dance is dynamic and expressive, allowing individuals to channel emotions effectively. The improvisational nature of hip-hop encourages creativity and self-expression, both of which are vital for mental health. 3. Zumba Zumba merges dance with aerobic exercise, delivering a delightful way to uplift mood and energy levels. Participants often report a 50% increase in feelings of joy during Zumba classes, thanks to the lively music and group dynamics. 4. Salsa Salsa dancing typically involves partners, promoting interaction and connection. This playful dance style helps individuals relieve stress and anxiety, encouraging them to enjoy life in the moment. Practical Tips for Incorporating Dance into Your Life Ready to boost your mental health through dance? Here are some practical suggestions to help you get started: Join a Dance Class : Search for local dance studios or community centres with various class offerings. This structure can strengthen your commitment and offer a sense of belonging. Dance at Home : Curate a playlist of your favourite tunes and let loose in your living room or kitchen. This simple act can provide stress relief and elevate your spirits. Remember Sophie Ellis-Bextor and her 'kitchen disco' during Covid? Attend Local Dance Events : Look for social dance events in your area where you can meet new people and have fun dancing in a relaxed setting. Explore Online Dance Workouts : Many online platforms offer dance workouts that you can do at home, perfect for easing into dance if you feel shy about public spaces. Try Different Styles : Experimenting with various dance forms can keep the experience exciting and highlight unique mental benefits each style brings. From ballroom to latin, line dancing to solo jazz, swing, lindy hop and jive- there are a variety of styles to choose from. A lively dance studio filled with energy and creativity Embracing Dance for Better Mental Health Dancing is more than just a fun pastime; it is a powerful resource for enhancing mental health. The evidence supporting the benefits of dance is strong, showing its effectiveness in reducing depression, alleviating stress, improving cognitive function, and building social connections. By embracing dance in your life, you can reap these benefits and significantly boost your overall well-being. Whether you decide to join a class, dance at home, or participate in social events, let the rhythm of dance uplift your spirit and lead you toward a happier, more fulfilling life!

Romeo wooing Juliet! As the wonderful School of Love clearly explains, our romantic view of love can make long-term relationships a challenge. Many of these ideas stem from the Romantic time period. As 'love' is a social conscript, where do our beliefs come from? What did other time periods believe? Here's a timeline of how Western ideas of love evolved, with the Romantic period highlighted in context: 🏛 Ancient World (c. 800 BCE – 500 CE) Greek & Roman views : Love was often seen as irrational, disruptive, or even dangerous. Plato distinguished between eros  (desire), philia  (friendship), and agape  (selfless love). Marriage was more about family alliances, property, and reproduction than passion. Passionate love could exist, but it was often outside marriage (mistresses, affairs, pederastic traditions). 🏰 Medieval Courtly Love (12th–14th centuries) Troubadours & chivalry : Love was idealised as noble longing, often directed toward someone unattainable (a married noblewoman, for example). Love was associated with suffering, yearning, and devotion. It was more about aesthetic ideals  than practical marriage. 🎭 Renaissance & Enlightenment (16th–18th centuries) Renaissance : Shakespeare and others explored passionate love, but still within tension between duty and desire ( Romeo and Juliet ). Enlightenment : New ideas about individual freedom and personal happiness reframed marriage as ideally companionate, chosen for love rather than arrangement. Novels (e.g. Samuel Richardson’s Pamela , Rousseau’s Julie, or the New Heloise ) emphasised inner feelings and emotional authenticity. 🌹 Romantic Period (late 18th – mid 19th centuries) This is where modern ideas of “romantic love” crystallised. Love as transcendent - a path to truth, meaning, or even the divine. Love as individual - the idea of “the one” or a soulmate. Love as rebellion - often portrayed in defiance of class, family, or convention. Love as authentic - raw passion connected to nature and inner truth. Influences: Goethe ( The Sorrows of Young Werther ), Byron, Shelley, Wordsworth, Keats. 🎩 Victorian Era (mid–late 19th century) Love was still idealised, but placed within strict moral and social frameworks. Emphasis on marriage as both romantic and respectable  (love + duty). Gender roles became rigid: women as guardians of morality, men as providers. 🎥 20th Century Cinema and popular culture  spread Romantic ideals globally (Hollywood / Disney love stories, the “happily ever after”). Psychology  reframed love as personal growth, attachment, and intimacy. Feminism & sexual revolution  introduced love as freedom, equality, and erotic fulfilment. Shift toward companionate marriage - partners chosen for both passion and partnership. 📱 21st Century We live with a patchwork: Romantic ideals : soulmates, passion, destiny. Pragmatic ideals : compatibility, shared goals, cohabitation. New dynamics : online dating, polyamory, queer love narratives, and love as self-fulfilment. Love is often seen as both deeply personal and  culturally scripted. ✨ So, the Romantic period is a turning point - it didn’t invent love, but it invented our modern cultural script for what “true love” should feel like . That does not mean we should give up on love; rather recognise that it's more of a skill, not simply an emotion - a verb rather than a noun! We must go from the ideal (limerence) to the ordeal to get to the real deal in our romantic relationships (Hendrix). Here’s a comparison table of current psychological theories of love  with their main focus and the key researchers: Theory Main Focus Key Researchers Triangular Theory of Love Love has three components: intimacy, passion, commitment; different blends = different types of love. Robert Sternberg (1986, 2019) Attachment Theory (Adult Attachment) Early attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) shape adult romantic relationships and love patterns. John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Hazan & Shaver (1987), Bartholomew (1991) Evolutionary Theory of Love Love evolved to promote pair bonding, child-rearing, and reproductive success. David Buss, Helen Fisher Self-Expansion Model Love involves expanding the self through the partner—gaining new perspectives, identities, and growth. Arthur & Elaine Aron (1986–present) Love as Emotion & Motivation Love is a basic affective/motivational system, with neural bases (oxytocin, dopamine, etc.) for bonding and caregiving. Jaak Panksepp, Andreas Bartels & Semir Zeki Positive Psychology Approaches Love as a core character strength; central to well-being and flourishing; micro-moments of connection build resilience. Martin Seligman, Barbara Fredrickson (1998, 2013), Peterson & Seligman (2004) Compassionate Love Theory Emphasises selfless, caring love - compassion, concern, and altruism in relationships. Susan Sprecher & Beverley Fehr (2005) Duplex Theory of Love Expands triangular theory with “love stories” (the narratives couples tell to make sense of their relationship). Robert Sternberg (2019) Cultural & Social Perspectives Love shaped by cultural norms (individualistic vs. collectivist, digital intimacy, polyamory, queer love). Cultural & social psychologists (e.g., Shaver, Finkel, Karandashev)

Lebo Grand is a South African author and speaker. The quote above is a thought-provoking one. It suggests that we should focus on our physical experiences and sensations rather than getting lost in our thoughts and worries. By doing so, we can enjoy life more fully and be more present in the moment. Babette Rothschild in 'The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment talks about the symptomatology of PTSD: "In PTSD a traumatic event is not remembered and relegated to one's past in the same way as other life events. Trauma continues to intrude with visual, auditory, and/or other somatic reality on the lives of its victims. Again and again they relieve the life-threatening experiences they suffered, reacting in mind and body as though such events were still occurring. PTSD is a complex psychobiological condition.” ― Babette Rothschild, The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment Somatic exercises are one way of working with the body - focusing on our inner world: our bodily sensations including our breathing - so we can relax our bodies and release the tension.

Make the first thing you do each day something relaxing and pleasurable. Psychiatrist Dr. Hallowell describes the dread for many people with ADHD of getting started on work or a project as a “colossal boulder of negative t hinking" but you can turn that boulder into a pebble with some smart strategies, particularly ones that focus on the cycle of negative thinking. Try starting your day with something pleasurable to attenuate the dread. It could be a good breakfast, some morning exercise, or a chat with a friend or colleague to help you get fired up about your project or task. A “Nice Things” folder on your phone, where you paste any kind responses about you or your work from colleagues can be really useful to read through when you need to remind yourself that you can do anything. Break down your tasks into tiny subtasks. Once you’re ready to get started, start small. Like, very small . You can make just about any project more manageable by chunking it out into smaller components and setting yourself deadlines for each of those parts. Make sure you set a really low bar to just get yourself started, such as “open the document” or “do 10 minutes of research.” You can also lean on apps like Things or Todoist to help you structure your tasks and projects. Google Keep’s create a checklist which feels satisfying to tick things off. Make sure your first task is one that you have a 100% chance of succeeding at. Susan C. Pinsky, a professional organiser and author of Organizing Solutions for People With ADHD , recommends organising your day intentionally so that when you need a win, there’s one right there waiting for you. “Try to structure your workday so you do the easiest thing first,” she says. “You’re already giving yourself a success. You’ve accomplished something, and now that big thing that sits in front of you isn’t so overwhelming.” Ceremoniously crossing something off your to-do list may give you a bit of a buzz and help you move on to the next thing. For every item on your to-do list, quickly jot down why it’s a priority. The things that motivate neurotypical people don’t always work for people with ADHD. Dr. Hallowell explains, motivation can be hard to come by, especially for tasks that are intrinsically boring, tedious, or uninteresting. Just because you know you have to get something done doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be motivated to actually do it. One thing that can be helpful is making sure you know exactly why you need to complete a task. Try writing a quick note to yourself for these kinds of tasks and you can also schedule a quick catch-up with a coworker or friend to give yourself a refresher on why something needs to be completed. Another go-to strategy is condensing an email or project brief into bullet points and paste them at the top of whatever document you're working on so Iyou don’t forget any essential tasks or priorities. Overestimate how long tasks will take. Having a fundamentally different sense of time—specifically not being able to estimate and record the passing of time—is part of many people’s experience of ADHD. When their perception of time differs from the neurotypical-based deadlines and timelines most people are required to stick to, people with ADHD can find themselves struggling. Dr. Hallowell explains that for many people with ADHD, there’s “now” and “not now.” When, for example, a project is due next Thursday, a person with ADHD might tag that as “not now” and put it on the back burner until it’s too late to get it done in time. All of a sudden “now” is almost here and you’re panicking. The solution to this is to overestimate how long things will take. f you think each jobsis going to take an hour, try scheduling two for each of them. Building a 'gentle disaster mindset' can help you have some margins in case things run over. Having an analog clock can help you perceive time passing; set alarms on your phone, reminders for appointments and meetings before they start. Remember those big tasks you chunked out? You can set those in your phone or calendar too; it’s how to avoid any deadline disasters. Find ways to make boring tasks novel and fun. When a task isn’t intrinsically rewarding, it can be difficult for people with ADHD to feel motivated to do it. For Dr. Hallowell, a balance of fun is crucial to staying on task. “[Combine] situations that are highly structured and full of novelty and stimulation. Too much structure and it gets boring, too much novelty and it’s confusing.” Make the most of this need for stimulation by writing your to-do list down using colourful (and therefore visually stimulating) pens and paper, or keeping a selection of Post-its in your workspace and around the house. “Write [your task] on a colourful Post-it and slap it on the door. That way, tomorrow when you leave the house, that Post-it is staring you right in the face. The key is to have a variety of those colours, because if it’s always the same coloru, your eye isn’t going to see it." You can also introduce novelty by varying your work environment. Try speeding up boring tasks by listening to a podcast while Iyou do them, or draw out a colourful checklist for repetitive tasks so you can clearly see your progress while also injecting some festivity into your day. Get strategic about minimising distractions. Having ADHD can already mean that you have problems focusing so added distractions can be debilitating to people with ADHD. There are products and apps out there that can really help you reduce (or simply avoid) distractions in your environment. Noise-cancelling headphones can be a total lifesaver. Strict Workflow , on yourlaptop, blocks social media for 25 minutes at a time. After 25 minutes an alarm rings, which means it’s time for a five-minute break so you can look at social media if you want to. You can also listen to Brain.FM , which is music that is supposedly engineered to help you focus. The ambient, lyric-free music keeps the brain occupied enough while working so that you don’t need to seek out other distractions. Find someone who’s willing to be your accountability partner. After removing all those distractions and maybe even removing yourself from environments where lots of people and/or chitchat is happening, you might start to feel isolated. It’s still important to stay connected, as Dr. Hallowell explains. “You really need to work with a team, you have to get encouragement, don’t isolate yourself. It can be anybody, a teacher, a spouse, a dog, any form of positive connection.” If something is a huge stress point, such as sitting down to pay your bills, ask a friend or partner if they want to meet up virtually and pay bills together. Depending on your workplace, you might also be able to lean on coworkers, telling them you’ll send a draft or provide a project update by a specific deadline. If that doesn’t feel appropriate, you can ask a friend to be a deadline stand-in, letting them know you’ll send them a screengrab of your progress on a project by a certain deadline. Schedule a “should-less” day regularly. Living with ADHD can be exhausting at times. It’s great to strategise and maximise your productivity, but you also want to avoid burnout. Make sure you’re scheduling time—maybe a weekend day, if possible—where you don’t have anything scheduled and you can just be guided by your desires and energy levels. Take a “should-less” day every now and then; it’s a great way to recharge your batteries. It doesn’t mean you don’t do anything, but it removes the stress of having anything hanging over you. On that day, don’t schedule anything. Instead, let your instincts guide you throughout the day - sleep in, read a book for an afternoon, or take a walk. If you are often hypervigilant about letting people down with ADHD forgetfulness, should-less days help you have a break from accountability for a bit. Thank you to Isabelle O'Carroll for her excellent advice on managing ADHD.

Own Your Mistakes You can't learn anything from a mistake until you admit that you've made it. So, take a deep breath and admit to yours, and then take ownership of it. Saying "sorry" takes courage, but it's far better to come clean than to hide your error or, worse, to blame o thers for it. Ultimately, people will remember your courage and integrity long after they've forgotten the original mistake. Remember, if they hear of it from another source, your reputation may suffer and another opportunity to learn will be lost. Reframe the Error How you view your mistakes determines the way that you react to them, and what you do next. You'll probably view your error in a purely negative light for as long as any initial shock and discomfort about it persists. However, if you can reframe your mistake a s an opportunity to learn, you will motivate you rself to become more knowledgeable and resilient. Stop beating yourself up, pause for a moment to reflect, and start thinking about how you can gain from the situation. Analyse Your Mistake You nnow eed to analyse your mistake honestly and objectively. Ask yourself the following questions: What was I trying to do? What went wrong? When did it go wrong? Why did it go wrong? Start with the error and keep asking "Why?" until you get to the root cause. Put Lessons Learned Into Practice The danger at this stage is that work pressures force you back to your routine tasks and habitual behaviours. The lessons that you identified in Step 3 could languish, unfulfillled, as mere good intentions. In other words, learning lessons is one thing, but putting them into practice is quite another! Chances are, acting on what you've learned will require the discipline and motivation to change your habits . Doing so will help you to avoid self-sabotage in the future, and will allow you to reap the rewards and benefits of implementing better work practices . Here, you need to identify the skills, knowledge, resources, or tools that will keep you from repeating the error. Do so with care, though, because "quick fixes" will likely lead to further mistakes. Any actions that you take to implement your learning need to be enduring, and something that you can commit to. If your mistake was a minor or a personal one, personal goals and action plans wi ll lay the groundwork for implementing the lessons you've learned. They can give you a timescale to work to, and a list of the tasks that you'll need to complete. The specific tools that you use from there on will depend on the particular lessons that you need to put into practice. For example, if you learned that a mistake occurred because of your forgetfulness, aides-mémoire or greater attention to detail could help. If you found that your organisational skills were b elow par, digital planners and spreadsheets would be useful. Or, if you discovered that an error occurred because of a cross-cultural misunderstanding, your communication skills might need a polish . If the mistake was more organizational than personal, you may need to implement your learning in a more far-reaching way. Writing clearer procedures , f or example, could help to ensure that more gets done without mistakes. Review Your Progress You may have to try out several ways to put your learning into practice before you find one that successfully prevents you from repeating past errors. From there, monitor the efficacy of your chosen tactic by reviewing the number and nature of mistakes that do – or don't! – still get made. Asking someone to hold you accountable can help you to stay committed to your new course of action. Key Points To err is human, and we don't have to punish ourselves for the mistakes that we make. They can be great opportunities to learn, and to develop on a personal, as well as an organizational, level. We just need to learn from them, and to put that learning into practice. When you, or one of your team members, make a mistake: Own up to it. Don't play the "blame game." This is detrimental in the long run, and you'll lose the potential for learning. Reframe your mistake as an opportunity to learn and develop. Review what went wrong, to understand and learn from your mistake. Identify the skills, knowledge, resources, or tools that will keep you from repeating the error. Review your progress.

Do You Need to Change Your Perspective on ADHD? It seems most people who don’t have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) don’t really understand it. ADHD is often associated with what is wrong with a person so a diagnosis of ADHD may leave you feeling shame, fear and self-doubt. Changing your perspective on ADHD is the start in removing the stigma surrounding ADHD. I believe in emphasising the positive traits of ADHD.  People with ADHD represent some of the most fascinating, fun, and accomplished people I have met. Nevertheless, words such as organisation, structure, supervision, reminders, and persistence don’t even begin to describe the magnitude of the task people with ADHD have to tackle every day, particularly children and young people. Children need their parents and teachers to understand their difficulties, and help them to overcome those challenges. When explaining ADHD to a child, say, “you have a superfast mind – like a Ferrari engine, but the brakes of a bicycle, and I’m the brake expert.” When ADHD is properly managed, children can achieve: doctors, lawyers, CEO’s, dreamers, innovators and explorers. Remember the flip-side of distractibility is curiosity. Barriers Parents Face: Steps to Changing Your Perspective on ADHD 1. Educate yourself The biggest barriers for parents are denial, ignorance and a refusal to learn. If this goes on tfor oo long, children can suffer further loss to their self esteem. The stakes are high, not only for the child, but the whole family. So learn what ADHD is and what it isn’t. The most powerful treatment for ADHD is understanding ADHD. It can be a positive attribute in your child’s life. So ,read books, talk with professionals and talk with other parents with ADHD children. You need to understand ADHD well enough to embrace it so you can help your child avoid unnecessary stigma, as that breaks children rather than builds them up. 2. Look for that special spark Children with ADHD invariably have a special something, a spark, a delightful quirk – which they sometimes try to hide. Look for that special something and help your child feel good about who they are. Identify talents, strengths, interests and dreams. Teach them to see and believe in what they can do, and avoid the tendency to focus on what they can’t do. When you believe in your child, it makes it easier for them to believe, too. 3 . Unconditional Love Let your love for your child carry the day. Tune out the diagnosticians and labellers and notice and nourish the spirit of your child for who they are. Providing this unshakable base of support will set the tone for all interactions to come. This is what builds self-esteem, confidence, and motivation, which in turn create joy and success in life. Several studies suggest that loving acceptance by parents is the most important thing young people with ADHD need in dealing with behaviours. Ensure your child knows, every day, how much you love them. Showing your love and affection will reinforce your child’s sense of hope and help the family weather criticism from outside sources. Young people need love that never gives up. 4. Reframe Challenges in terms of Mirror Traits Remind yourself and your child of the positive sides of the negative symptoms associated with ADHD. By recognising the mirror or flipside traits, you avoid the impact of shame and fear. 5. Surround yourself with Laughter Laughter is the best medicine. Surround yourself with people who can laugh. It is important to be able to regain a perspective that allows you to see the humour in all of the situations these youngsters can get into. Why wait to look back on something and laugh at it – go ahead and enjoy the ridiculousness of the situation in the moment. When our young people begin to laugh at themselves, and not take themselves quite so seriously, it allows them to learn humility without shame, and adds to their character and their enjoyment of life. Conclusion: As a parent, how you approach your child’s ADHD will set the tone for how your child manages their ADHD. When you show them compassion and understanding, you teach them to love themselves and see their strengths. That will help them find the motivation they need to manage their ADHD, one strategy at a time. Adapted from Hallowell, E.M ., Jensen, M.D. & P.S.,Ballantine, M.D. (2008) ' Superparenting for ADD: An Innovative Approach to Raising Your Distracted Child ', 2008.

According to Psychology Today , people who struggle to apologise are likely to have a weak sense of self and need to protect their self-image. Instead of apologising, they avoid responsibility by doubling down on their original claims or blaming others . Another article on TED Ideas suggests that such people often have such deep feelings of low self-worth that their fragile egos cannot absorb the shock of admitting they were wrong. So their defense mechanisms kick in — at times, unconsciously — and they may externalise any blame and even dispute basic facts to ward off the threat of having to lower themselves by offering an apology. It’s important to note that even the most conscientious among us occasionally fails to apologise. When this happens, it’s usually for one of two reasons: We don’t care enough about the other person or the relationship to take on the emotional discomfort of owning our mistake and apologising for it; or we believe our apology won’t matter. To conclude, apologizsng can be difficult for many reasons, but it’s important to recognise the value of taking responsibility for our actions and making amends when necessary. Go on, repair that rupture. Your relationship will thank you.

Albert Einstein on changing thinking We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. In his famous quote, Albert Einstein has thought-provoking insight into our process of solving problems. He wonders if the thinking that led us towards our challenges is highly unlikely to be effective in resolving them. His words emphasise the necessity for a shift in mindset, a change in our current thinking, examining things from new perspectives to tackle our problems more effectively. Einstein's words encourage us to recognise the limitations of our current thinking and embrace the possibility of exploring different pathways. This quote embodies the essence of innovation and progress – that successful solutions are often found beyond the boundaries of familiar thinking. To fully understand the significance of the quote, we can dive into the world of philosophy and explore the concept of paradigm shifts. Often attributed to Thomas Kuhn, a philosopher of science, paradigm shifts refer to major changes in the way we understand our world. They happen when the model or framework of thinking of the day, no longer adequately explains new observations or problems. When we are facing challenges, either on a global or individual scale, it is crucial to understand and accept the limitations of our existing thinking and be open to exploring alternative approaches. Einstein's words encourage us to stretch and push our comfort zones, question current conventions, and create the conditions for new solutions that could shape a better future.

The Ego is not Master So what does this mean? According to Sigmund Freud, the psyche is divided into three parts: the id, the ego, and the superego. The id is the unconscious part of the psyche that seeks pleasure and immediate gratification. The superego is the part of the psyche that contains our values and morals and t he ego is the conscious part of the psyche that mediates between the id and the superego . The phrase “the ego is not master in its own house” refers to the idea that although the ego is responsible for most of our conscious thoughts and actions, it is still driven by unconscious desires from the id . The ego tries to balance these desires with the values and morals of the superego, but it is not always successful. Therefore, it is important to understand our unconscious desires and how they influence our behavio ur.