The subject of attraction often comes up in the therapy room and it is an interesting albeit complex topic to explore. In r omantic relationships, attraction is particularly nuanced because it draws on chemistry, emotional resonance, psychological needs, and cultural conditioning. Here's a breakdown of what typically makes someone attractive in a romantic  context: 1. Emotional Availability One of the strongest predictors of romantic attraction and relational longevity is: Attunement - being emotionally present, responsive, and capable of intimacy. Vulnerability - the ability to express inner thoughts and feelings in a way that invites closeness. Consistency - feeling safe and secure in the other person’s emotional presence. 2. Psychological Compatibility Romantic attraction often reflects our internal dynamics: Attachment style fit - anxious-avoidant pairings, for example, often feel electric but unstable. Familiarity with early relational patterns   - we may be drawn to those who unconsciously evoke parental or early caregiver dynamics (sometimes to heal, sometimes to repeat). Projection and idealisation  – early in romance, we may fall for who we hope  someone is. 3. Chemistry and Sexual Energy While difficult to define, "chemistry" includes: Pheromonal and biological responses   - subtle cues that trigger desire. Physical touch and body language - the way two bodies feel in proximity can be magnetic or off-putting. Energetic resonance - a felt sense of being drawn into a shared emotional/sexual field. 4. Shared Meaning and Values As attraction deepens: Life goals, ethics, and worldview  start to matter more. Shared language for love - e.g., compatible love languages, or how people express/receive care. Mutual respect and admiration - being each other's champion sustains long-term attraction. 5. Relational Dynamics Some relational traits are inherently attractive in romantic partners: Security with independence - being connected without enmeshment. Growth orientation - being interested in evolving together. Capacity for conflict and repair - the ability to navigate disagreement with empathy. 6. The Unconscious & The Archetypal In-depth approaches (like Jungian or psychodynamic models) suggest: We often fall in love with someone who carries an archetype we're seeking (e.g., the nurturer, the rebel, the muse). Romantic attraction can be an unconscious pull to integrate missing or undeveloped parts of the self (the anima/animus dynamic). Improving social skills and becoming more romantically attractive is about becoming more comfortable, authentic, and emotionally available  in how you relate to others. It's not about changing who you are - it's about bringing more of your best self into connection . Here’s a focused guide to help you build social confidence and  attract a potential date: 1. Work from the Inside Out Attraction begins with self-relationship: Build self-awareness : What are your strengths? What makes you unique? Knowing this helps you show up with grounded confidence. Challenge inner critics : If you carry beliefs like “I’m not interesting enough”  or “People won’t like me” , explore where those come from. They often block natural charisma. Develop a secure presence : Practice being at ease in your body — slow your breath, make gentle eye contact, relax your posture. People are drawn to those who feel safe in themselves. 2. Practice Conversation Like a Skill Social ease is learned through doing: Start small : Chat with a barista, ask a co-worker about their weekend, or make a passing comment in a queue. These low-stakes moments build fluency. Ask open-ended questions : “What do you enjoy doing?” or “What’s something that’s made you laugh lately?” These invite people to open up. Listen actively : People feel attracted to those who really hear them . Nod, reflect back what they say, and avoid planning your next line while they speak. 3. Use Authentic Flirting Flirting is simply expressing interest playfully and warmly: Make eye contact and smile : This signals openness and confidence. Use light teasing or humour : As long as it’s kind, shared laughter is a powerful connector. Give genuine compliments : Not just on looks - try something like, “You have a calming energy” or “I love how passionate you are about that.” 4. Be Visible and Approachable Create opportunities for connection: Join groups or events  that align with your interests - classes, clubs, workshops. Repeated exposure builds rapport. Watch your body language : Uncross your arms, turn toward people, and show interest. These cues make it easier for others to engage with you. Put yourself out there : Whether online dating or in-person, showing up is 90% of it. It’s okay to be nervous - courage is attractive. 5. Handle Rejection Gracefully This is where real growth happens: Don’t personalise it : Attraction is subjective. If someone doesn’t click with you, it’s about fit , not worth . Reflect and learn : Was there anything you’d like to do differently next time? If not, great - keep going. Keep showing up : Building social and romantic confidence is a numbers game and  an emotional journey. Inner Work That Attracts Cultivate passion : People are drawn to those who have interests and light up from within. Explore your attachment style : Knowing how you bond (anxious, avoidant, secure, etc.) helps you create healthier connections. Therapy or coaching : If social anxiety or self-doubt holds you back, a relational space can help shift deeper patterns.

Most of us are familiar with the idea of triggers. Even though it may be an overused term, it comes from a very important concept in psychology. One moment we are calm, the next we are thrown into despair and fear. Though it is important to be scared or angry when situations actually demand it, it can be hugely counterproductive to be taken over by powerful emotions that aren’t needed by what lies before us and that fail to help us productively in any way. The School of Life offer one perspective that may help. For me, avoiding triggers does not work. Learning to manage triggers can be helpful: 1. Recognise that our brain functions on an unconscious level relatively easily because it requires less work and brain capacity. However, when we seek to understand and name what triggers and activates us, we act with conscious awareness so we mindfully process and strategise to ensure our behaviours align with our values. Periodically check in with yourself to assess whether you’re focused, tuned in and being in the present. You can do this by training your mind through mindfulness exercises and meditative practices. 2. Understand your projections (i.e. the thoughts, feelings or behaviours we project onto another person), negative core beliefs, narratives, impulses and values. When these are challenged you are more likely to be triggered. Be curious and study yourself. Therapy is a great way to do this. 3. Become familiar with your adaptations to understand your triggers better. Aim to understand what changes in behaviour you made to “survive” what was challenging or difficult for you. Evaluate how this gets enacted or acted out in your general behaviour and in your relationships now. 4. Understand your thoughts and feelings to recognise your triggers. Thoughts and feelings ebb and flow, which can be from moment to moment, depending on factors such as perceptions, experiences and coping skills. Within a given hour, you can flow through a range of emotions, such as joyfulness, sadness and anger . Take pauses, be curious, and study your thoughts and feelings. Notice if you have reactions or judgments about your thoughts and feelings. 5. Don’t believe everything that’s thought or felt. As trigger reactions occur in the limbic or emotional centre of the brain, they can be irrational. They often elicit the part of us that cannot hear or listen to reason. Question the quality of your thoughts and feelings. How do they show up? Why do they show up that way? What does it mean to you? Thoughts and feelings can be reframed and shifted. 6. Realise that not all thoughts and feelings, whether emotional, somatic or physiological, need to be reacted to. We give too much credence to our thoughts and feelings and generally believe we must always react to them. They’re helpful in letting you know what’s meaningful to you, but that doesn’t mean you have to react to them instantaneously. Keep in mind that your behaviours are a choice, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. Take the time to gently and compassionately remind yourself that you are the CEO of your life and get to make decisions on your own behalf. 7. Thank your mind for its generosity and graciousness in making you aware of your unhealed parts or unresolved issues through your triggers. It’s your brain and body’s way of protecting you from discomfort and “danger.” When you are triggered, it’s your need to self-reflect and gain insight to your wounded parts or the unresolved issues that you still need to attend to. You can create new neural networks in your brain and rewire your nervous system to perceive and react to things differently going forward. You can reframe things and notice your resilience , how much you’ve grown, and your ability to change. 8. Recognise that your development will be an ongoing commitment and practice with slips and triggers along the way. Give yourself some grace. Remind yourself that you’re attempting to change years of conditioned behaviours and develop a compassionate relationship with yourself and others as you and they work toward healing and growth. You and others will be more open to change and recalibrating when it’s necessary when feeling free of judgment, nurtured and supported. When you learn to gain deeper awareness around your triggers and can self-soothe and act mindfully, then you can shift from self-blame and projection onto others to accountability, sharing and connection. Maybe triggers are little gifts that enhance your ability to notice unhealed or unresolved parts of yourself and point directly to where you have personal work to do to improve yourself and your relationships with others. These moments can be appreciated and celebrated on your journey toward growth and enhancement. More The School of Life videos can be enjoyed with a subscription: https://t.ly/b1AiN Be more mindful, present and inspired. Get the best of The School of Life delivered straight to your inbox: https://t.ly/XZ7BB FURTHER READING You can read more on this and other subjects here: https://bit.ly/3gKKwRU

My life decided to take a downward turn last February starting with a leak from the kitchen ceiling which caused the electricity to cut out and the ceiling to come down. This impacted my neighbours, my work and my income. Managing this caused stress and then a close family member had a heart attack... So! When life becomes chaotic, it can certainly feel like you're being swept away by a current you didn’t choose yet keeping going  doesn’t mean pushing blindly through. For me, it means steadying yourself  in small, intentional ways. Here are some ideas that might help anchor you like they helped me: 🌪️ Acknowledge the Stress and Chaos Without Sinking Into It Let yourself name what’s happening. “ This is a lot right now. ” That simple statement can be grounding. You don’t have to make sense of it all immediately. Just recognise: " this is hard and I am still here." 🧩 Focus on What You Can  Control Structure helps. Small routines (making tea, writing a list, a short walk, writing a blog) can reintroduce a sense of agency. Break tasks into the next doable  step — not the next five, just the next one . 💬 Connect With Others Chaos is isolating yet reaching out (even briefly) to a friend, family, therapist, or support group can bring perspective and warmth. I went dancing - very good to get away from the mess! You don’t need solutions from others, just presence. 🧘 Slow Moments Are a Form of Resistance Deep breaths. A pause. Looking out the window watching the rain, noticing the flowers or just the street. In a chaotic world, slowness and care are radical acts of self-protection. 🌱 Remember: Survival Is Enough There will be time later for thriving. Right now, surviving  is noble, real work! Keeping going doesn’t require perfection — only persistence and gentleness. This happens to us all - just take one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time... Remember the quote most often attributed to Winston Churchill " if you're going through hell, keep going ." It reminds us that even in difficult times perseverance is moving forward. Remember the tortoise and the hare...

Sadly I so often hear adults say they are not creative, they can't draw or they can't write. I try to encourage having a go, it's more about the process than the outcome and how relaxing it can be. So, meet Roger. Roger was super-creative but he had a major secret. Until one day..... In his first animated film, best-selling author Danny Gregory tells the story of how an artist overcame his block — and changed his life forever. Create...it's good for you. If you liked this story, please share it with someone who could use it. This story began as one of Danny's essays. Subscribe for free at dannysessays.com and get more stories like this every Friday. 00:00  Meet Roger 01:10  Meet Zoe 01:45  The Garden 02:26  The Magic Marker 03:50  Progress 04:43  The Drawing Life 05:15  Uh-oh 05:38  Meet Danny

Henri Matisse once said that creativity takes courage so what does that mean? How does creative courage affect what artists and other people do? When beginning a new project, we face a decision how to approach the work. Is attempting to be creative worth it? Or are the costs too high? What risk does one dare to take? Do I feel brave? Often we default to common beliefs and practices that squash our creative spirit. We frequently allow the myth that creative ideas spring from a bolt of lightning with no forewarning or preparation to dominate. Similarly, we may seldom take creative chances because of an innate fear of failure, which could mean financial loss or occupational termination. Or we continually participate in brainstorming sessions in a quest for “the ultimate solution” only to discover that we’ve wasted time and achieved little progress. This might be our big mistake - believing that a creative idea must be a big idea - on par with humans landing on the moon, building the Pyramids, or painting the Sistine Chapel. Yes, these are big creative events, but true creativity may be founded on the principle of little glimmers; the small golden nuggets we find when we see creativity as “looking for the small, not just the big" - discovering a synonym for “happy” in the story we’re writing, mixing three new colours together for the sky in a landscape painting we’re working on or buying a scarf, not because it’s cool, but because it has pictures of dogs on it. Taking a new route to work, discovering that a paper clip can be used to repair a broken toy or making a “snow-pig” rather than a snowman (or snowwoman) can be viewed as creative acts. Even using a brand-new spice in your favourite recipe simply because you fancy it...is creative! A tiny creative act every day puts us in a growth mindset and begins to challenge those beliefs that may have negatively influenced our thinking for so long. We move away from the fixed mindset and into new realms of creative expression. Like the apple, we can all profit from one a day.

Missing someone hurts. It is normal but why does it hurt so much? Are we weak to feel this or is it a strength? The School of Life explains that missing someone that we’re close to – because they’ve had to go to another country, or are up in the north on a course, or went on a hiking trip with their friends – is such an unpleasant emotion and it feels peculiar to suggest that it is also, at a profound level, an extraordinary achievement and an important marker of emotional maturity. It is in no way simple for an archetypal adult to be able to miss anyone and we are often, almost without knowing it, engaged in complex manoeuvres to ensure that we resolutely won’t…

One of the most vital of all life skills is self soothing; the art of calming oneself down, restoring perspective and remembering to be kind to oneself. Too often, because we were never properly soothed by others as children, we have no idea how to soothe ourselves as adults. We need to learn the significance of soothing. Here the School of Life guides us in how to soothe ourselves and, in turn, others. FURTHER READING “It’s the middle of the night, let’s imagine, and we’ve been on the earth for about three months. A lot is still very unclear. We are profoundly helpless, barely able to move our own head and utterly at the mercy of others. The sources of our suffering and joy lie far outside our understanding. Hugely powerful needs pass through us at regular intervals and we have no way of making sense of them to ourselves – let alone of communicating them reliably to others…” On Soothing - The School of Life

Man looking out of window at various buildings. In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of constant activity, leading to a pervasive sense of exhaustion. We often wear our busyness like a badge of honour, believing that the more tasks we juggle, the more successful and fulfilled we must be. But what if this obsession with productivity is actually hindering our well-being rather than enhancing it? The Illusion of Productivity The constant need to feel busy can trap us in a cycle of fatigue and burnout. We equate being busy with being valuable, but in reality, this mindset can lead to a decline in mental and physical health. It's crucial to understand that true productivity isn't about how much we can cram into a day but rather how effectively we can manage our time and energy. Combatting the Exhaustion Epidemic 1. Prioritise Self-Care Embracing self-care practices is not a luxury but a necessity. Make time for activities that rejuvenate your mind and body, whether it's meditation, exercise or simply unplugging from technology. Remember, taking care of yourself is crucial for sustained productivity. 2. Practice Mindfulness The practice of mindfulness allows us to be fully present in the moment, reducing stress and promoting mental clarity. By focusing on the task at hand without distractions, we can accomplish more in less time while fostering a sense of calm. 3. Set Boundaries Learn to say no to tasks that don't align with your priorities. Setting boundaries is essential for preserving your energy and preventing overload. Remember, it's okay to decline opportunities that will only contribute to your sense of busyness. 4. Delegate and Collaborate Don't be afraid to ask for help when needed. Delegate tasks that can be handled by others and collaborate with colleagues to lighten your workload. Recognize that true efficiency often involves teamwork rather than sole responsibility. Breaking Free from the Cult of Busy It's time to challenge the pervasive narrative that equates busyness with worth. By re-evaluating our relationship with productivity and embracing a more balanced approach to life, we can break free from the shackles of exhaustion and reclaim our well-being. Let's strive not to glorify the hustle but to prioritize our health and happiness above all else. Remember, it's not about being constantly busy but about being purposeful in our actions and intentional in our pursuit of a fulfilling life. So, take a moment to breathe, to rest, and to reflect. Uncover the myth of exhaustion, break free from the cult of busy, and embrace a life that's truly enriching and sustainable. In the end, it's not about how much we do but how well we do it that truly matters. Let's redefine our relationship with busyness and choose vitality over exhaustion, purpose over perpetual motion.

People with their hands in the air. The summer months brings various activities with other people. Some with old friends and others rich with the possibility of making new friendships. In the journey of self-discovery and growth, there exists a powerful and invaluable force that often goes unrecognised but plays a vital role in our well-being - friendship. For all of us, the significance of fostering and nurturing friendships cannot be understated. Understanding the Essence of Friendship Friendship is not merely a bond between individuals; it is a cornerstone of emotional support and companionship. Good friends are like beacons in the stormy seas of life, providing solace, understanding and acceptance in times of joy and sorrow. During therapy, we can delve deep into our personal struggles and triumphs, but the impact of genuine friendships outside these walls can be equally profound. The Impact on Mental Well-being Research has shown that strong social connections can have a direct positive impact on our mental health. Engaging in meaningful friendships can reduce feelings of loneliness, improve self-esteem and serve as a buffer against stress and anxiety. Maintaining and nurturing our friendships can complement any professional support we receive and enhance our overall emotional wellness. Nurturing Friendships in the Digital Age In today's digital landscape, the definition of friendship has evolved. Social media platforms offer a convenient way to stay connected, but the quality of these interactions can often pale in comparison to face-to-face connections. It is essential to grow authentic relationships that go beyond virtual likes and comments. Engaging in meaningful conversations, sharing experiences and fostering trust are the pillars of lasting friendships that can enrich our lives. The Reciprocity of Friendship Reciprocity is essential in a healthy friendship which makes it very different to personal therapy. Being a good friend entails offering support, empathy, and understanding but also being willing to receive these gifts in return. It is crucial to understand the delicate balance of giving and receiving, and friendships provide a safe space to practice this. Conclusion: Embracing the Gift of Friendship As we navigate the complexities of our inner worlds, we cannot overlook the profound impact of friendship on our emotional well-being. Through the therapeutic relationship, we can explore growth and healing, and meaningful friendships can be a powerful complement to professional support. Let us cherish and nurture these connections that enrich our lives and remind us that we are never alone on this journey of self-discovery. After all, no man is an island. We all need each other. In conclusion, as we reflect on the value of friendship in our lives, let us embrace the gift of companionship, support and understanding that true friendships offer. Remember, in the tapestry of life, friends are the colourful threads that weave a personal beautiful story of resilience, love and connection.

None of us are going to get out of here alive. If we are lucky, we will live long and healthy lives. What can help us to achieve this? What we do know is having a purpose in life can help people maintain physical function and independence as they age. According to researchers from Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, older adults who reported having goals for the future and a sense of meaning had better grip strength and walking speed than those who didn't. The reason why having a sense of purpose helps healthy aging isn't fully understood yet but it may be that those who have it take better care of their health, have better impulse control and engage in healthier activities than those who don't.

Going back into studying again - as a supervisor , this time - those imposter feelings were once more triggered. Looking around at my highly qualified and experienced colleagues, the self doubt began to appear. Despite recent comments that says, “ stop telling women they have imposter syndrome ” Sheaba Chacko has found a Hidden Truth about imposter syndrome’s roots as she works through her own baggage and helps her clients resolve theirs. Imposter syndrome is the by-product of having to project “ The Representative Self ” what we believe is approved of by society at the expense of rejecting “ The True Self. ” So instead of leaving a legacy, this duplicitous living lends to a litany of physical and mental health struggles. Sheaba's own personal experience with imposter syndrome has a universal message for all of us who live on the margins of mainstream life and has spent their lives trying to be what their culture defines as “normal”. Sheaba is a courageous speaker who knows how to inspire others with her own vulnerability. Known for making her own life choices, Sheaba rejected the typical South Indian career pathways of Engineering and Medicine to become a licensed professional counsellor. Despite the stigma associated with mental health, especially in communities of colour, she went on to open her private practice, Fearless Permission! This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organised by a local community.

I find this idea extremely interesting.  In a culture where the medical model is revered - the belief we need fixing because we are broken is a familiar goal.  Here, author and teacher Jeff Foster challenges the core myth of healing - that you should be healed 'by now'. Healing is not a destination, but a present-moment welcoming of all the 'guests' in awareness, a call to LOVE. Sadness, anger, fear, doubt, do not want to be healed, but held. What would happen if we learn to embrace and sit with our feelings? Filmed live at a meeting on 26th April 2015 in the Netherlands: http://www.lifewithoutacentre.com In a world that often rushes us from one emotion to the next, there is immense power in pausing to sit with our feelings. The idea that we need to fix ourselves constantly overlooks the beauty of simply being with our emotions until we are ready to accept them. It’s time to slow down, breathe, and explore the art of embracing our feelings fully. Understanding the Importance of Sitting with Our Feelings Emotions are an integral part of the human experience. They provide us with valuable insights into our inner world, guiding us through life's highs and lows. However, society's emphasis on instant solutions and quick fixes can hinder our ability to truly understand and process our emotions. By allowing ourselves to sit with our feelings, we create space for introspection and self-discovery. It is in these moments of stillness that we can unravel the complexities of our emotions, gaining a deeper understanding of ourselves in the process. The Healing Power of Acceptance Acceptance is a transformative force that emerges when we embrace our feelings without judgment or resistance. It is not about pushing away uncomfortable emotions but rather acknowledging them as a natural part of the human experience. When we accept our feelings, we grant ourselves the permission to be vulnerable and authentic. Through this vulnerability, we cultivate compassion towards ourselves and others, fostering deeper connections and emotional resilience. The Process of Sitting with Our Feelings Sitting with our feelings is an active process that requires patience and self-compassion. It involves acknowledging our emotions without trying to change or suppress them. Instead, we observe our feelings with curiosity and kindness, allowing them to surface and dissipate organically. During this process, it is essential to engage in self-care activities that nurture our emotional well-being. Whether it's journaling, meditating, or seeking support from loved ones, finding healthy outlets to express our feelings can facilitate the healing journey. Embracing Vulnerability and Growth Through the practice of sitting with our feelings, we embrace vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness. Vulnerability opens the door to personal growth and self-empowerment, enabling us to confront our fears and insecurities with courage and grace. As we develop our sense of emotional resilience through sitting with our feelings, we create a greater capacity to navigate life's challenges with resilience and authenticity. Embracing our emotions becomes a transformative process that empowers us to lead more fulfilling and meaningful lives. In a culture that often prioritises productivity over self-reflection, the medical model over the therapeutic, the art of sitting with our feelings offers a powerful antidote to the noise and distractions of daily life. By embracing our emotions and accepting them with grace, we enter a world of self-discovery and growth that enriches our lives in profound ways. So, the next time you find yourself grappling with difficult emotions, remember that you don't need fixing – try sitting with your feelings until you are ready to accept them. Let this practice be your guide to greater emotional awareness, resilience and self-love.