Emotional immaturity can be very hard to spot - often residing in people who, from the outside, look more or less their age. Here, the wonderful School of Life offer us an indispensable guide to identifying the worst kinds of emotional immaturity, understanding where these come from and how we might handle them. Find out more on this and other subjects on the School of Life's blog, here: https://bit.ly/334m8zx The best thing about physical maturity is that it’s generally very easy to spot; we can so easily tell when someone has another decade of growth to go – and can therefore set our expectations, and our levels of forbearance accordingly. We have, however, no such luxury when it comes to emotional maturity. Here we can be constantly surprised by what we have on our hands. The most incredible forms of immaturity can coexist with all the trappings of adult life and a confident and knowledgeable manner. It can be a long time into a friendship, romantc or working relationship before we realise that we are unwittingly dealing with an emotional neophyte...

A timely meme for August and a timely reminder that examination results are not everything and are not a reliable reflection of anyone's intelligence, let alone emotional maturity. If your results are not what you wanted, breathe, and maybe give yourself some time to think about the choices open to you. What is your gut telling you? Listening to your critical voice may not be very helpful. The inner critic will often demotivate, increase anxiety and reduce your self worth. Embrace your inner wise person. What are they saying?

It can be hard to know what we really need from a relationship but the task becomes much easier if we keep in mind that every relationship requires just three crucial ingredients to work according to the School of Life. I would also like to add communication and empathy. All relationships take work and the ability to be flexible - reflective and reflexive can go a long way! The Disney version of relationships we are all sold as children is far from reality and impossible to maintain. Accepting that is a great start to understanding the complexity of a thriving relationship. PS that means we can be in relationship with many different people; the search for the 'soul mate' is not necessary!

Other things to consider: Use familiar or 'pet' names to build closeness. Pay genuine compliments or verbal affirmations - helps to repair ruptures. Make sure they are genuine - words of affirmation. Do a chore or task you know your partner would appreciate - acts of service. Send a text or message which shows you are thinking about them - words of affirmation. Don't forget the power in a hug, arm squeeze, etc - physical touch. Plan something new together - quality time. Affirm your partner's point of view - helps us to feel validated, empathised with and understood - words of affirmation. Actually look at each other when you talk together - hold the gaze to promote oxytocin, the love hormone! Treat them to a small gift which shows you are thinking about them e.g. their favourite chocolate bar - receiving gifts. Weekly 'check-in' on how you're doing - make it casual, relaxed, what went well, any small points to sort out? End on a positive to carry forward to the next week.

We live in a culture where the dominant force is loudness: being seen, being loud, and making your voice heard. Even that phrase is strong; it's making your voice heard, not letting your voice be heard. It is everywhere - from news programmes, quizzes, radio shows to social media. Strength, however, doesn't have to shout out its existence. There are people who live quietly and they can be hugely influential. There are also different ways to approach situations that don't involve shouting down people to see your way, but instead, learning to listen before responding. Strength is about listening, speaking when necessary, empathy and congruence. We can only do that if we are present and aware of what is going on. I can often walk into a room, tell that someone is upset and respond. That's a gift. People tell me their life story because they feel safe. That's a gift. I do not fear conflict but there are different ways of handling it. That is a gift too. I have a voice and opinions but recognise when, how and where to speak that is right for me. Quiet can be strong.

Elena Herdieckerhoff is a mentor for highly sensitive and empathic entrepreneurs. She explains why we need to change the prevalent cultural narrative around highly sensitive people. She is the founder & CEO of Entreprincess. In this TEDx talk, she explains why we need to change the prevalent cultural narrative around highly sensitive people. As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) herself, she has made it her mission to empower other HSP entrepreneurs to turn their sensitivity into their greatest business asset. What is a HSP or Sensory-Processing Sensitivity (SPS)? Dr Elaine Aron has a lot of excellent information on her website https://hsperson.com/. It is not shyness which is a learnt behaviour. HSP is innate and normal - it is not a disorder. It is, however, much misunderstood and, in our western society, sensitivity is not particularly valued. With 15 to 20% of the population HSP, you are not alone.

Polyvagal theory in layperson’s terms. Polyvagal theory states there are three different branches of the autonomic nervous system that evolved from very primitive vertebrates to mammals. First, you have a system that is really an ancient one, which is death feigning or immobilisation. Then it has a fight or flight system, a mobilisation system. Then finally, with mammals, you have what Porges calls a social engagement system, which can detect features of safety and actually communicate them to another. When feelings of safety are triggered, the autonomic nervous system can help health restoration. In terms of dealing with a life threat, however, we are most likely go into this feigning death, dissociative state. Immobilisation is the critical point of the experience of life-threat trauma events. It used to be assumed by trauma therapists that stress was a fight-flight reaction but that’s not what the survivors of trauma describe. They were describing this inability to move, the numbness of the body and functionally disappearing and that’s what polyvagal theory described. When Porges started giving talks in the trauma world, the theory had tremendous importance because the survivors of trauma said: “This is what I experienced.” They had been confronted with a world that said: “That’s not what you experienced; why didn’t you fight?” Understanding how our bodies react during traumatic events has changed the therapeutic world. More emphasis on creating calm and safer environments, physical exercises and face to face work to help regulate and mirror emotions is supporting more people. All of us are going to experience some traumatic events. Isn't it better we are more informed to lessen the judgement and shame?

When we are polyvagal-informed, we start understanding not only the other person’s response but also our responsibility to smile and have inflection in our voice, to help the person we’re talking to help their body feel safe. When we feel safe, we can learn, we can connect with our feelings and respond to others.

Peter Levine has spent much of his life working with trauma and traumatised people, and has developed an approach called Somatic Experiencing® that focuses on including, and putting emphasis, on the physiological aspects of trauma. He believes that working with the trauma through the body is necessary to any trauma resolution and a required step before addressing emotional and cognitive issues. That is because trauma is experienced in the body - see the video on the limbic system. If we are are still in this hyperarousal mode of being then we cannot access our language or problem solving area of the brain so easily so we have to work through this to be able to access feelings and the words to describe them. What is good today, is we know we can do much more to help ourselves if and when we experience trauma. More about this later when I look at Stephen Porges' polyvagal theory in more detail.

Traumatic events are common and most people will experience at least one during their lives. Trauma comes in many forms and affects thousands of people every day. Many people will recover with the help of family and friends and there are effective treatments for those needing extra support. This brief video from Dr Russ Harris, explains how our limbic system may respond to trauma and how it affects people particularly after the traumatic experience. Remember trauma is not so much the actual event but how the body responds to an event. Hence, we cannot compare traumas!

Social media has been full of the appalling case of Sarah Everard. Many of us recognise this violence could have happened to our sister, our daughter, our colleague or our friend. We have spent years being taught what we, as women, should do to keep ourselves safe. As young girls, we were given advice on how to avoid attack. I remember being taught to carry a key poking out of my fist as I walk home, to sit near the bus driver, to choose brightly lit streets, never take a short cut, even cross the road if a 'dodgy' man appeared. I have been given a rape alarm. I've carried mace. Haven't yet heard of any boys receiving all this. These are messages about personal safety that are often passed from woman to woman. They are well-intended and come from a place of care and love, but why is it still so widely accepted that it is a woman’s responsibility to prevent an attack? I never questioned this as I grew up. It's what we girls learnt. Yet I went on to experience groping in nightclubs, a man trying to get into my car then trying to stop my car, frequent sexual comments then verbal agression on nights out, even more recently, a man running at me late at night... In the UK, one in four women will experience domestic abuse and one in five will experience sexual assault during her lifetime. The number of rape prosecutions is falling year-on-year despite a much greater rise in the number of cases being reported, according to the Rape Monitoring Group. While we teach women to adapt their lives to keep safe, there appears to be little work being done to educate men against chauvinistic attitudes or aggressions, such as wolf-whistling, that make so many environments hostile for women. Ask your teenage girl what it is like at school. It begins young! We really do need as a society, rather than teach women to live in fear, address the attitudes, behaviour and violence that lie at the root of it. What happened to Sarah may be a rare event but that is cold comfort. It should not be luck that we make it home from a walk. Thank you to Emma Burke and her heartfelt letter in the Guardian. Friday 12 March 2021

This is from April 2015. In the light of the recent shocking kidnap and murder of Sarah Everard, I wanted to revisit this video. I actually wanted to share Chris Hemmings excellent interview on the BBC News Channel but it appears that the BBC did not want him to upload it (why?). Back to this video - When Jackson Katz asks a room full of women what they do to avoid sexual assault, the list of answers he receives is endless. Some women have 911 on speed dial. Others check the backseat of their cars before opening the car door. Some use a male voice on their outgoing voicemail message or have mace attached to their keychains. When Katz poses this same question to men, the room, unsurprisingly, remains silent. Katz sat down with Mike Walters to offer a unique perspective on the fight for women’s rights through a male prism. It appears, as so many of us believe, it is NOT a female problem but a male one...how can men help other men to stop violence against women?