We all have our own triggers for conflict. Most couples fight on occasion and are often not terribly kind to each other when they do. John Gottman suggests that in successful relationships it is not that we fight that is the problem, it’s the way that fights are handled. Conflict, however, doesn’t just come out of the blue. It can be seen as part of a repeating cycle of rupture and repair. The couples that get it right learn from this cycle and use it to enhance intimacy; the couples that don’t learn are likely to repeat it in perpetual cycles of misery and frustration. The diagram below shows the process from harmony to disharmony via relationship ruptures and the pathway from dissatisfaction back to satisfaction via the steps of repair. When we understand this process, this could help us find a way to make our relationship more harmonious and our fights less destructive. We would then spend less time in a state of disharmony and learn how to recover from conflict more quickly when it does occur. If we fail to understand it and change it, then we could end up in the unhappy state that some couples arrive at where they spend very little time in a state of satisfaction and find it easy to be dislodged back into disharmony, from which they then find it very hard to escape. Figure 1: The cycle of rupture and repair in close relationships (Grimmer, 2019) There isn't space here to go into a lot of explanation. If you wish to know more I would suggest finding a qualified counsellor (such as BACP, UKCP, Relate, Corst) to work with you. A couples / relationship counsellor can help with communication between couples.

All relationships will have some conflict - it's healthy to express our difference with the caveat, it's how you do it! No relationship is ever stable; each goes through a regular cycle of ‘rupture’ and ‘repair’. A healthy relationship is not one in which ruptures never occur, but one where both parties are willing and able to repair them. Many tensions within relationships can usefully be looked at through the prism of a concept much used within psychotherapy: the idea of ‘rupture’ and ‘repair.’ For psychotherapists, every relationship is at risk of moments of frustration or as the term has it, of ‘rupture’, when we suffer a loss of trust in another person as someone in whom we can safely deposit our love, and whom we believe can be kind and understanding of our needs. The ruptures are often quite small, and to outside observers perhaps imperceptible: one person fails to respond warmly to another’s greeting; someone tries to explain an idea to their partner who shrugs and says off-handedly that they have no idea what they’re on about; in front of friends, a lover shares an anecdote which casts the partner in a less than flattering light. Or the rupture can be more serious: someone calls someone a stupid fool and breaks a door. A birthday is forgotten. An affair begins… So we venture into expressing our needs, being clear with boundaries and empathising with the other. We don't have to agree but we can hear, validate and empathise.

What Is Compassionate Inquiry? I am a believer in compassionate ways of working therapeutically. Dr. Gabor Maté developed the Compassionate Inquiry psychotherapy approach, which seeks to reveal what lies beneath the appearance we present to the world. Using the Compassionate Inquiry model, both the individual and therapist unveil the level of consciousness, mental climate, hidden assumptions, implicit memories and body states that form the real message that words both express and conceal. Through using the Compassionate Inquiry approach, client's can recognise the unconscious processes that run their lives and explore how to liberate themselves from them. “The purpose of the Compassionate Inquiry system is to drill down to the core stories people tell themselves – to get them to see what story they are telling themselves unconsciously; what those beliefs are, where they came from; and guide them to the possibility of letting go of those stories, or letting go of the hold those stories have on them. That’s what the Compassionate Inquiry system is.” ~ Dr. Gabor Maté

How many times do you hear someone say "Oh, they have abandonment issues!"? A throw away comment that is huge! A primal and universal feeling that is thought to originate as the baby leaves the safety of the womb and can be activated should the child fear being left alone. Dr. Gabor Mate talks about how big is the impact of our emotions to our physical body; and how this impacts everyone since early ages. He talks a lot about trauma and how it really affects us if we don't make it conscious. If we can recognise how important our inner state is, becoming conscious of our early traumas then we can be freed from them.

A new one for me; an intentions for 2023 list. Yes, good intentions. Not so much goals but a range of things that I would like to do, activities that would be good for me and those I would like to keep going. I might not achieve all of these; some of them are a bit vague but if I keep it out, I can look at it regularly and it might just give me a kick to have a go at something or find space for something. According to Sarah Dawn Tunis, whether you’re working the law of attraction, seeking to achieve your dreams and goals, or just aiming to get through the day, if you know what intentions are and how to set them then this is the most powerful tool you have. Intentions are generally simple acts that can have a powerful effect on your life. They can be seen as the starting point of co-creating your life and one of the most important techniques for using the law of attraction. Learning how to make intentions and use their power can be an effective step in building the life you want and achieving your goals. What is an intention? An intention is very simple. It is a purpose, desire, goal, aim or plan. See the photo above. In more detail, it is the statement of that purpose, desire, goal or aim. It is acknowledging what you want… in a more formal manner than just blurting it out to yourself or in casual conversation. Yes, it can be spoken and it can definitely be written. It is essentially the announcement of a plan. Such a simple idea that in general use of the English language, the word isn't often used and doesn’t have much influence. It is often used as a poor reason when things don’t work out as expected. “Well, that was not my intention.” Or how about this one? “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” Giving the impression that intentions are all well and good but really don’t matter much in the long run. I'm no expert on laws of attraction as they don't really feature in therapy, yet it appears when it comes to the law of attraction, the use of intention is extremely important and powerful. In fact, it is one of the most important steps for using the law of attraction and for manifesting what you desire. It is the beginning. This simple activity carries the power to propel you toward what you desire. It is how you will begin to create the life you want - be it a life full of love, health and happiness or you wish for a new car, a different job or to visit another country. Whatever it is you desire, intention is how to bring it into your existence. Without intention, it will be hard to move forward. Intentions are the first step in identifying your desires, changing your reality and co-creating your life. It includes focussing on the possibilities, imagining what it will be like, and then declaring that this is what you intend to have, accomplish or experience. Intentions are your declaration. A way to shout out to the universe what it is you want and what you want to aim for. An intention is: Identifying what you want Saying and writing what you wish out loud and with conviction Make them real by validating them A declaration of your resolve to make things happen A commitment to take action And that is the next step. How do you get there? What's your plan of action? Can you use SMART goals? Good luck!

Jade Beason gives us the harsh truth: New Years resolutions are rarely successful. Jade offers a better way to set goals for the year, and ways which have worked for her. In this video she'll be sharing how she changed her life in 2022, and the methods she will use to supercharge these changes in 2023. So if you want to hear some New Years resolution ideas, 2023 goal planning, 2023 business planning, plan with Jade 2023, New Year resolution 2023, how to set goals for 2023 and goal setting 2023, this video may just be the one to get you on your way. TIME STAMPS 00:00 Intro 00:50 My story 03:00 Establish a vision 05:05 Make habits, not resolutions 10:50 Broaden your horizons 12:45 Daily reflection 15:50 Morning routines BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - https://amzn.to/3p7Wvs1 Atomic Habits - https://amzn.to/3UMJoez The Slight Edge - https://amzn.to/3iHCqtR 12 Week Work Year - https://amzn.to/3W9IrOm You can find Jade on YouTube and Instagram. Happy intention setting!

The Dalai Lama said, ‘Sleep is the best meditation’ and I think most of us would agree it is one of our basic human needs. There is yet to be a substitute for sleep. There is no pill we can take or ways we can cheat our bodies into thinking we have caught up on lost sleep. We feel better after a good night's rest, we look more ‘alive’ and have more energy. Crucially, our bodies have had a chance to repair at a cellular level. Sleep has a huge part to play in the recovery from injury and the management of pain. Most of us have noticed that when we have had a few poor nights then our pain sensitivity and/or our ability to cope with our pain alters – stubbing your toe when you are tired seems to hurt so much more! A few tips to help with sleep: Light, noise and temperature are important as these have an effect on the chemical and hormonal levels in our bodies, such as, darkness stimulating melatonin which induces sleepiness. Avoid nicotine, alcohol and caffeine before bed as these stimulate our central nervous system, increasing our heart rate and adrenaline levels. Avoid checking social media or work emails before preparing to sleep. These will stimulate the mind, adrenaline and heart rate. Try to get into a routine of relaxation before trying to sleep – maybe a warm bath, meditation or reading a book. Try to sleep when you are tired - if you are rubbing your eyes and yawning this will be a good time to go to sleep. You will be tapping into your natural circadian rhythm. Stop checking your clock. f you wake up, try to avoid checking the time and worrying that you have to get up in two hours. Just roll over and trust your alarm will wake you for work. If you are tossing and turning, then get up. Have a glass of water, listen to some calming music or read. When you notice you are sleepy again, go back to bed. Keep the lights dim. Avoid high suspense/action tv before bed. Think about what this will do to your adrenaline levels. There are lots of different things you can try to help. Make a list of what works for you. Remember also, not everyone needs 8 hours of sleep every night to function well. Explore your own sleep requirement. There are lots of interesting articles about sleep online - these may be helpful: Home - The Sleep Council Sleep problems - Every Mind Matters - NHS (www.nhs.uk) Sleep Foundation | Better Sleep for a Better You

So many people bring sleep struggles into the therapeutic space. When sleep is lacking, many of us are desperate for help. Today there's a booming industry waiting to tell us all the ways not sleeping can ruin our health -- and to sell us expensive, fancy gadgets to help us finally doze off. Shedding light, however, on this depressing doomsday messaging, Dr. Jen Gunter explains why we shouldn't stress over sleep - and what to do instead. I always recommend no tossing and turning, grab a novel and have a read. Keep the light low and let your body relax. You are resting and that is good start. If you would like more on how your body works, tune in to her podcast, Body Stuff with Dr. Jen Gunter, from the TED Audio Collective.

Six ways to heal trauma without medication, from the author of “The Body Keeps the Score,” Bessel van der Kolk. Conventional psychiatric practices often advise us that if we feel bad, take this drug and it will go away. However, after years of research with some of the top psychiatric practitioners in the world, it has been found that drugs simply don’t work that well for many, and our conventional ways of healing trauma need to change. More recently, researchers in the study of trauma have been experimenting with ‘new age’ healing mechanisms that are making massive waves for trauma patients. Some of these new healing methods include psychotherapy, EMDR, yoga, psychodrama and movement, the arts including creative writing and painting, neural feedback and even psychedelics. Many of these methods have proven to be more effective than conventional pharmaceuticals. Do note, what works for you might not work for your friend or neighbour. Always check your therapist is properly qualified and supported through supervision. Ask before you commit!

Traumatic experiences are stored in the body. Rational thinking is not enough to deal with trauma so what are the best strategies for feeling safe, feeling calm, and feeling in control of your own body? How do you release trauma from your body and feel safe? Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk is a Boston-based psychiatrist and The New York Times best-selling author of The Body Keeps the Score. He was previously the President of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, Professor of Psychiatry at Boston University Medical School, and Medical Director of the Trauma Center. He has taught at universities around the world and his work has been featured in TIME, The New York Times, The Boston Globe, and more. What else about trauma? It makes you want to forget, it makes you want to push it away, it makes you want to erase it. Trauma is something that is so horrendous that you can’t cope with it, it’s too much to deal with Trauma renders you helpless and makes you feel like there is no way out Helplessness is an absolute precondition for a traumatic experience Our society continuously ignores how trauma is formed and created - pushing it under the rug and hiding from it Trauma is not a story - trauma is not a memory about the past. Trauma changes the brain. Trauma sits within you and within your body. People experiencing trauma keep behaving and reacting as if they were stuck in that experience When we are traumatised - the brain often cannot process it and the body “stores it” - the body gets stuck in a state of hyper alertness, the mind gets stuck in a state of hyper-alertness The perceptual situation in the brain becomes rewired to be on “high alert" Your body, your mind, your entire system gets frozen or stuck in “fight or flight” mode When you’re traumatised, it’s very hard to learn or integrate new experiences - thats what makes treating trauma so difficult Trauma is not typically rationally processed, it goes into the irrational part of the brain and your body gets locked into a place of constantly reacting as if you’re in a sense of danger Your body starts generating stress hormones at inappropriate times and you begin to feel out of control and helpless One of the most tragic results of trauma is people try to shut the feeling down and end up shutting down their ability to feel - or they turn to drugs, alcohol, and pharmaceuticals Studies show that yoga is more effective than any drug that has been studied for solving trauma There is promising research around psychotropics (psylocbin and MDMA) for trauma relief Neurofeedback is another promising solution for trauma "Playing computer games with your brain waves” to solve trauma Trying to remove delta or theta waves in the frontal lobe Self regulation - learning to control your own physiology using ancient Chinese and Indian methods - research is starting to show these solutions help as mind body interventions to solve trauma in the body Our mainstream western culture is “if you feel bad, take a drug” Practically what does it looks like to use something like yoga to regulate your own physiology? Chanting is also a very good mind body intervention - singing in unison with others One of the biggest struggles of trauma is that you feel isolated or lonely or by yourself Exposure treatment misunderstands how to treat real trauma It’s not the memory, it's that your brain/body - entire system - is locked in a state of being “high alert” - and that these mind body interventions are some of the best ways to help people feel “Safe” inside their own bodies How do you feel 'feeling safe, calm, and in control over y our own physiology'? What are the best strategies for feeling safe, feeling calm, and feeling in control of your own body? Trauma is a bodily experience of experiencing intolerable physical sensations - people can’t stand the way their bodies feel Breathing, moving, chanting, yoga, qigong, massage, dancing - these are all ways that you can make your body feel safe. Once your body feels safe, you can allow yourself to slowly go to the experiences from the past that caused the body to be put into a traumatic state Your body has to feel safe and be present to heal trauma Sitting still and meditating is often a challenge when you’re experiencing trauma None of this has to do with understanding or explaining why you’re experiencing trauma - understanding WHY your’e experiencing trauma doesn’t make you resolve it The rational brain has nothing to do with solving trauma in the body - it has to do with your “animal brain” This is NOT a rational problem - you can’t solve it rationally What are some of the best solutions? EMDR is another effective technique or strategy for processing trauma Somatic experiencing Sensory motor psychotherapy Traumatic sensitive yoga Sidran Foundation Trauma Research Foundation This work is 30 years old - people are just discovering the best treatments for trauma and it is a cutting edge field - many of the solutions don’t have a lot of evidence yet because its so new - it's all work in progress - it’s not definitive yet What is EMDR? A strange technique involving eye movement or sound that is revolutionary for solving trauma according to new research and brain scans. Does cardio help or hurt when trying to connect with the body? Not necessarily - it’s all about trying to make your mind and body connect more deeply.

As many of you know I am a huge fan of therapeutic writing. This last week I have written a modern fairy tale based on a personal experience. So, have you ever seen or experienced something? Wished you spoke up? Find yourself pondering life events? Writer Sakinah Hofler makes the case for writing as a tool to help you process difficult memories and reclaim the power they may hold. Pick up a pen or pull up a keyboard and follow along as she walks you through how to unburden your mind and inspire reflection.

The potential space between the self and the outside world is the place for experiencing life creatively, whether it is a landscape, a theatrical or musical performance, a poem, or another individual and it is here that meaningful psychotherapy takes place. Winnicott writes: “I have tried to draw attention to the importance both in theory and in practice of a third area, that of play, which expands into creative living and into the whole cultural life of man… [this] intermediate area of experiencing is an area that exists as a resting-place for the individual engaged in the perpetual human task of keeping inner and outer reality separate yet interrelated… it can be looked upon as sacred to the individual in that it is here that the individual experiences creative living.” Winnicott insisted on the uniqueness of each individual and the right to, and importance of, discovering the world in a personal, creative way. This, of course, also applies to psychoanalysts and to psychoanalytic theory, and for that matter to any other field. In a paper given to the British Psycho-Analytical Society in 1948, he asks “… has due recognition been given to the need for everything to discovered afresh by every individual analyst?” So why not pick up your pen, pencils, paints or musical instrument and have a play. Just relax into it and allow yourself time to explore. No criticism or judgement. This is about enjoying the process, not focussing on the outcome. Ask yourself, how did this feel? Can I name the feelings? Did it take me to any past, present or future place? Any insights gained about yourself?