Contact: 07864 967555
Email: cosmoscounselling@gmail.com
Young Person and Adult Counsellor / Psychotherapist
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- Heal Those Insecurities!
What Is Compassionate Inquiry? I am a believer in compassionate ways of working therapeutically. Dr. Gabor Maté developed the Compassionate Inquiry psychotherapy approach, which seeks to reveal what lies beneath the appearance we present to the world. Using the Compassionate Inquiry model, both the individual and therapist unveil the level of consciousness, mental climate, hidden assumptions, implicit memories and body states that form the real message that words both express and conceal. Through using the Compassionate Inquiry approach, client's can recognise the unconscious processes that run their lives and explore how to liberate themselves from them. “The purpose of the Compassionate Inquiry system is to drill down to the core stories people tell themselves – to get them to see what story they are telling themselves unconsciously; what those beliefs are, where they came from; and guide them to the possibility of letting go of those stories, or letting go of the hold those stories have on them. That’s what the Compassionate Inquiry system is.” ~ Dr. Gabor Maté
- Rupture and Repair
All relationships will have some conflict - it's healthy to express our difference with the caveat, it's how you do it! No relationship is ever stable; each goes through a regular cycle of ‘rupture’ and ‘repair’. A healthy relationship is not one in which ruptures never occur, but one where both parties are willing and able to repair them. Many tensions within relationships can usefully be looked at through the prism of a concept much used within psychotherapy: the idea of ‘rupture’ and ‘repair.’ For psychotherapists, every relationship is at risk of moments of frustration or as the term has it, of ‘rupture’, when we suffer a loss of trust in another person as someone in whom we can safely deposit our love, and whom we believe can be kind and understanding of our needs. The ruptures are often quite small, and to outside observers perhaps imperceptible: one person fails to respond warmly to another’s greeting; someone tries to explain an idea to their partner who shrugs and says off-handedly that they have no idea what they’re on about; in front of friends, a lover shares an anecdote which casts the partner in a less than flattering light. Or the rupture can be more serious: someone calls someone a stupid fool and breaks a door. A birthday is forgotten. An affair begins… So we venture into expressing our needs, being clear with boundaries and empathising with the other. We don't have to agree but we can hear, validate and empathise.
- Sorry is Repair
We all have our own triggers for conflict. Most couples fight on occasion and are often not terribly kind to each other when they do. John Gottman suggests that in successful relationships it is not that we fight that is the problem, it’s the way that fights are handled. Conflict, however, doesn’t just come out of the blue. It can be seen as part of a repeating cycle of rupture and repair. The couples that get it right learn from this cycle and use it to enhance intimacy; the couples that don’t learn are likely to repeat it in perpetual cycles of misery and frustration. The diagram below shows the process from harmony to disharmony via relationship ruptures and the pathway from dissatisfaction back to satisfaction via the steps of repair. When we understand this process, this could help us find a way to make our relationship more harmonious and our fights less destructive. We would then spend less time in a state of disharmony and learn how to recover from conflict more quickly when it does occur. If we fail to understand it and change it, then we could end up in the unhappy state that some couples arrive at where they spend very little time in a state of satisfaction and find it easy to be dislodged back into disharmony, from which they then find it very hard to escape. Figure 1: The cycle of rupture and repair in close relationships (Grimmer, 2019) There isn't space here to go into a lot of explanation. If you wish to know more I would suggest finding a qualified counsellor (such as BACP, UKCP, Relate, Corst) to work with you. A couples / relationship counsellor can help with communication between couples.
- The 'F' Word: Fathers
Part of my MSc dissertation is exploring the influence of fathers. Has that changed over time? Just how important are Dads today? What role do they play in the modern family where they do not need to be provider and protector? Dr. Anna Machin is an Oxford University-based evolutionary anthropologist, author, and broadcaster who has spent ten years researching the psychology, biology, and behaviour of new fathers. In this TED talk she explains why this new-found knowledge means that we need to change how we talk about dads, moving away from lazy stereotypes, to acknowledge their unique and special role in their children's lives and the power they hold to bring about real positive changes to inequality in our society. She researches the evolution, neuroscience, psychology and biology of our closest relationships; lover to lover, friend to friend, parent to child. Dr Machin is passionate about sharing the outcomes of her work with the public and helping to make all our relationships healthier and happier. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.
- What is a Dad?
According to Wikipedia, a father is the male parent of a child. Besides the paternal bonds of a father to his children, the father may have a parental, legal, and social relationship with the child that carries with it certain rights and obligations. Yet is that it? From what I have observed and read, fathers today come in various forms. He is no longer always the traditional married breadwinner and disciplinarian in the family. He can be single, co-habiting or married; externally employed or stay-at home; gay or straight; an adoptive or step-parent; and a more than capable caregiver to children facing physical or psychological challenges. Psychological research across families from all ethnic backgrounds suggests that fathers' affection and increased family involvement greatly encourage children's social and emotional development. Two to three centuries ago, fathers’ roles were mainly about serving as breadwinners and the conveyers of moral values and religious education to their children. This began to change with the advent of industrialisation and urbanisation and as factories became the major source of employment, fathers became distanced from the household and their families. Growing rates of abandonment and illegitimacy led to the development of welfare programmes to assist widowed or unmarried women in supporting their children. In more recent times, the changing economic role of women has greatly impacted the role of fathers. Between 1948 and 2001, the percentage of working age women employed or looking for work nearly doubled–from less than 33 percent to more than 60 percent. The increase in financial power made paternal financial support less necessary for some families. Along with the growing autonomy of women, related trends such as declining fertility, increasing rates of divorce and remarriage, and childbirth outside of marriage have resulted in a transition from traditional to multiple undefined roles for many fathers. Today’s fathers have started to take on roles vastly different from fathers of previous generations. In the past, research on child development has focused more on mothers fulfilling their children’s needs. However, more recently, research has increasingly focused on fathers. This is due to the growing role modern day fathers play in caregiving. One study conducted by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) concluded that fathers tended to be more involved in caregiving when: they worked fewer hours than other fathers; they had positive psychological adjustment characteristics (e.g., high self esteem, lower levels of depression and hostility, and coping well with the major tasks of adulthood); mothers worked more hours than other mothers; mothers reported greater marital intimacy; and when children were boys. Other research on the role of fathers suggests that the influence of father love on children's development is as great as the influence of a mother's love. Fatherly love helps children develop a sense of their place in the world, which helps their social, emotional and cognitive development and functioning. Moreover, children who receive more love from their fathers are less likely to struggle with behavioural or substance abuse problems. References: APA (2005). Lesbian and gay parenting. Washington, D.C.: Author. Retrieved June 15, 2009 from www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/parenting.aspx. APA (2004). Briefing sheet: An overview of the psychological literature on the effects of divorce on children. Washington, D.C.: Author. Retrieved June 15, 2009 from www.apa.org/about/gr/issues/cyf/divorce.aspx. APA (2003) ACT Against Violence program for incarcerated fathers. Retrieved June 19, 2009 from www.apa.org/pi/prevent-violence/programs/incarcerated-fathers.aspx. APA Monitor (2007). Stay-at-home dads report high job satisfaction. Vol. 38(9), pp. 57. Retrieved June 15, 2009 from www.apa.org/monitor/oct07/stayathome.aspx. APA Monitor (2005). Meet the renaissance dad. Vol. 36(11), pp. 62. Retrieved June 15, 2009 from www.apa.org/monitor/dec05/renaissance.aspx. APA Monitor (2005). Stepfamily success depends on ingredients. Vol. 36(11), pp. 58. Retrieved June 15, 2009 from www.apa.org/monitor/dec05/stepfamily.aspx. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2009). National Center for Health Statistics Data Brief (May 2009): Changing patterns of nonmarital childbearing in the United States. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Retrieved June 19, 2009 from www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db18.htm. Coley, R. L. (2001). (In)visible men: Emerging research on low-income, unmarried, and minority fathers. American Psychologist, 56(9), 743-753. Fagan, J., & Palkovitz, R. (2007). Unmarried, nonresident fathers' involvement with their infants: A risk and resilience perspective. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(3), 479–489. Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics (2008). America’s children in brief: Key national indicators of well-being. Washington, D.C.: U.S. Government Printing Office. Retrieved June 19, 2009 from www.childstats.gov/pdf/ac2008/ac_08.pdf. NICHD Early Child Care Research Network (2000). Factors associated with fathers' caregiving activities and sensitivity with young children. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(2), 200-219. U.S. Census Bureau (2009). Single-parent households showed little variation since 1994, Census Bureau reports. Washington, DC: Author. Retrieved from www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/families_households/009842.html.
- Time to Chill...
I have recently started having a Gong bath once a month and have found it a wonderful way to relax. If you would like an idea of what it is like, give this a listen. Headphones are recommended as well as lying down somewhere comfortable, maybe with a blanket covering you and an eye mask. I find it an ethereal, connecting experience between me and the universe! This is a full length Gong Bath with a selection of Paiste Gongs played by Martyn Cawthorne of Gong Spa (headphones recommended). The gongs include all the Paiste Bronze Gongs (no.s 0,1,2,4,6,8 & 9), two Paiste Symphonic Gongs (36" and 38") and Paiste's Mercury, Saturn and Neptune Planet Gongs. CDs and downloads available from https://gongspa.co.uk/shop/ Big thanks to Korg UK for the loan of a few of the gongs to make this video series possible. Huge thank you Jan Koblanski, Kyle Martin Clarke, Brad Ingham and Mike Donnery for helping to make the video series. Massive thank you to Freddy Khattab, Circle of Life, Former St. John the Evangelist, Bacup. Hope you enjoyed the video.
- Time? Where Does It Go?
Blink and you're the sunset side of 50 - where does the time go? Do you wonder what you do with your time? Yes, we need time for work and for our families yet do you take time for you? Do you take time to wonder? Ten minutes with a journal noting your thoughts, being creative or just jotting down your musings is your time. Whether you are sitting in the garden, the park or just gazing out the window with your tea - what are you thinking about? Your thoughts matter - get 'em down, not for others but for you. If you have the luxury of more time and more freedom - time or financial - how are you going to use it?
- Change Like the Seasons
Many people fear change but it is a fact of life - we have to change as do the seasons. If we look to nature, we can gain strength from the solidity of trees and the yearly changes. I love to embrace the seasons, whether it is the sun on my face and arms in summer, the wind in autumn and the frosty nip in the air in winter. And don't forget spring and the new growth, gentle warmth and the lush colours. What is your favourite season?
- Beltain at Butser
I am a great fan of marking Beltain and the changing seasons. When I was sent this video, I wanted to share it as I love the work Butser Ancient Farm do. So sit back and enjoy and if you spot me, let me know:-) It's Beltain! The original May Day festival celebrated in the Iron Age, and our biggest event of the year! Every year, we hold our Beltain Celtic Fire Festival to mark this ancient festival, complete with live music performances, morris dancing, incredible drumming, and of course the burning of a 30ft wickerman. We've been holding this celebration at Butser annually since the 80s, and this video captures the best bits of one of our favourite festivals -- 2022! To everyone who joined us, thank you for making this event so special 💚 We hope to see you at Beltain in the future! Butser Ancient Farm is an open-air experimental archaeology museum and active research centre, learning about the past by recreating it. Our experiments are world-renowned, and our buildings include a Roman villa, Celtic village, Stone Age farm, and Saxon halls — all reconstructed from real UK archaeology, and open to be explored! We do everything we can do share our passion for the past, from visitor opening and school groups to filming our experiments for bitesize documentaries! See behind-the-scenes of our experimental archaeology and help directly fund more research! For the price of a coffee, watch over 100 short documentaries and discover our ancient past. Visit http://www.butserplus.com to learn more!
- I Am Rediscovering Myself
Rediscovering yourself is a process of reconnecting with your true self and finding a sense of purpose and fulfilment in life. It involves exploring your inner self and identifying your values, passions, and goals. You can rediscover yourself by focusing on five domains of awareness (STEAM) and asking yourself a question to explore each domain: Sensations: What do you sense in your body? Thoughts: What are your thoughts? Emotions: What are you feeling? Actions: What are you doing? Mentalizing: What are you thinking about other people’s thoughts? By reflecting on these domains, you can expand and deepen your self-awareness, which may help you to feel a greater sense of inner well-being and offer direction for how to find personal fulfilment. Rediscovering yourself can also mean taking action to reconnect with the things you used to be passionate about and the goals you once had. Try taking an inventory of what is important in your life and changing your priorities accordingly. Rediscovering yourself can have many benefits such as: Increased self-awareness: Rediscovering yourself can help you to become more self-aware, which can lead to greater emotional intelligence and a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. Greater sense of fulfilment: By reconnecting with your true self and identifying your values, passions, and goals, you can find a greater sense of purpose and fulfilment in life. Improved relationships: Rediscovering yourself can help you to develop a deeper understanding of yourself and others, which can lead to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships. Reduced stress: By gaining a greater sense of inner well-being and direction in life, you may experience less stress and anxiety. Increased creativity: Rediscovering yourself can help you to reconnect with your passions and interests, which can lead to greater creativity and innovation. In addition to these benefits, rediscovering yourself can also help you to develop greater resilience, improve your decision-making skills, and increase your overall life satisfaction.
- You Ok, Hun?
So, how is your emotional health? Emotional health is defined by four markers: our degree of self-love, of openness, of communication and of trust. Watch the wonderful film from the School of Life to interrogate your level of emotional health. It is important to check in with yourself. How is your self esteem? Prevention is far better than cure? FURTHER READING “One way to start assessing how badly we have been knocked by our early years – and where we might therefore need to direct most of our repair work and attention – is to identify a range of markers of emotional health and imagine how we fare in relation to them. At least four central ones suggest themselves…”
- Resetting the Vagus Nerve
Vagus nerve exercises are good for us. They can help manage anxiety. Understanding the influence of the polyvagal nerve and our limbic system can help us breathe through our stress. In this video Sukie Baxter shows you three vagus nerve exercises to rewire your brain from anxiety. She also describes what anxiety actually is (and the surprising reason why it’s good for you) as well as what to do when anxiety hits.