Change can be painful but may well open up various opportunities to us. Times of adversity can also be rich growth for us though it may not feel like it at the time! Things may not always be quite what they seem. What can we learn from these difficult experiences? Change is part of life!

Self-hatred is a particularly vicious disease which destroys our ability to defend ourselves and to confront enemies. Here are some fabulous tips from the School of Life on how to make better friends with ourselves. What else can we do? Jae Song suggests: 1. Start Small Start with doing something you can do immediately and easily e.g. clean your room, organise your papers or pay all your bills. 2. Create a Compelling Vision Use the power of your imagination. Create an image of yourself as the confident and self-assured person you aspire to become. Choose an appropriate role-model. Mine is the wonderful Maya Angelou. 3. Socialize Get out of the house - setup a lunch date with a friend. Socializing with others will give us opportunities to connect with other people and practice our communication and interpersonal skills. 4. Do Something that Scares You As with all skills, we get better with practice and repetition. The more often we proactively do things that scare us, the less scary these situations will seem, and eventually will be rid of that fear. 5. Do Something You Are Good At What are you especially good at or enjoy doing? Regularly doing things that you are good at reinforces your belief in your abilities and strengths. 6. Set Goals Apparently people who regularly write down their goals earn nine times as much over their lifetime as people who don’t. By setting SMART goals, you have a clear target of where you want to be. 7. Help Others Feel Good About Themselves Help somebody or teach them something. When you help other people feel better about themselves and like themselves more, it will make you feel good about yourself. 8. Get Clarity on Life Areas Get clarity on the life area that needs the most attention. Your self-esteem is the average of your self-concept in all the major areas of your life. Write down all the major categories of your life, e.g., health, relationships, finance, etc. Then rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 in each area. Work on the lowest numbered category first, unless they are all even. Each area affects the other areas. The more you build up each area of your life, the higher your overall self-esteem. 9. Create a Plan Having a goal alone won’t do much. Get clarity on your action items. One of the biggest reasons people get lazy is because they don’t have a plan to achieve their goals. They don’t know what the next step is and start to wander off randomly. When you’re baking a cake, it’s a lot easier to follow a set of clear instructions, than randomly throwing ingredients together. 10. Get Motivated Read something inspirational, listen to something empowering, talk to someone who can uplift our spirits, who can motivate us to become a better person, to live more consciously, and to take proactive steps towards creating a better life for ourselves and our families. 11. Get External Compliments As funny as this point suggests, go find a friend or family member and ask them “ What do you like about me? ” “ What are my strengths? ” or “ What do you love about me? ” We will often value other people’s opinions more than our own. We are the best at beating ourselves up for things not done well, and we are the worst at recognising what we’ve done well in. Hearing from another person our strengths and positive qualities helps to build a more positive image of ourselves. 12. Affirmations & Introspection Use affirmations, but in the right way. Some people think that when they’re in a slump, using positive affirmations will help them get out of it. Say something like “I am sitting here being very unproductive right now, is this the ideal me? What would help me?” Your affirmations have to be the TRUTH. Once you’re honest, take the first step towards doing the thing, no matter how small. 13. No More Comparisons Stop comparing yourself to other people. Low-self esteem stems from the feeling of being inferior. Accept that it’ll serve you more to just go down your own path at your own pace rather than to compare yourself. Pretend you’re starting over and begin immediately with the smallest step forward. The other thing to remember is we are all walking our own path and most of us are focussing on that - not on what others are doing. You're doing just great!

Not a long talk, just a 'short' from the RSA from the lovely Brene Brown. Who isn't bit of a blamer - most of us are? And why should we give it up? In this witty sequel to the most popular RSA Short, inspirational thinker Brené Brown considers why we blame others, how it sabotages our relationships and why we desperately need to move beyond this toxic behaviour. And why do we do it? Blame is an excellent defence mechanism. Call it projection, denial, or displacement, blame helps us preserve our sense of self-esteem by avoiding awareness of our own flaws or failings. Blame is a tool we use when we’re in attack mode. It is, however, a destructive conflict resolution method as blame is a way to try to hurt our partners. We’re not very good at working out the causes of other people's behaviour, or even our own. The attributions we make can be distorted by our tendency to make illogical judgments. We're also just as bad at making judgments involving actions in terms of intent vs. outcome plus blame. It’s easier to blame someone else than to accept responsibility. There’s less effort involved in recognising our contributions to a bad situation than in accepting the fact that we're actually at fault, and changing so we don't do it again. People lie. It’s easy just to lie and blame someone else even though you know you’re at fault. You may think that no one will know it was really you who spilled coffee all over the staff room, so you just blame someone else who’s not there (and hope that person never finds out). The more often we play the blame game, the more we lose. Being honest when we need to own up to our part in a bad situation will help us grow from our experiences and ultimately help us achieve more fulfilling relationships. Plus, what is the worst that can happen?

Such a great quote from Professor Brene Brown. After her first TED talk, her husband warned her not to read the comments which, of course, she did and later found herself comforting her hurt feelings with peanut butter and Dowtown Abbey. Curious to see who was the president at the time Downtown Abbey was set, she stumbled upon the Roosevelt's 'Man in the Arena' speech: " It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again…who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly. " “There is my life before that quote, and my life after that quote,” says Dr. Brown. It crystalized what it meant to “be in the arena” to Dr. Brown, and she connected it to vulnerability. “Vulnerability is not about losing, it is about showing up when you can’t control the outcome,” says Dr. Brown. She explains that we are hard-wired to care what others think, but we need to be intentional about who we accept feedback from. And after reading the Roosevelt quote, Brown concluded, “If you are not in the arena, getting your ass kicked and rejected, I am not interested in your feedback about my work.” The only people Brown seeks feedback from are people who love her, but are honest with her." People who love you not in spite of your imperfection and vulnerability, but because of it."

If you’re a people pleaser, you spend a huge amount of energy trying to make others happy. You invest a lot of time in the details, and you go out of your way to make sure everyone is taken care of, often at the expense of yourself. You’re thoughtful, you get joy out of seeing others happy and you’re also probably pretty sensitive. When your well made plans don’t work out, you’re discouraged. When people aren’t happy, you fixate and worry. You try not to let other people’s comments and opinions get to you, but it’s hard. People pleasing is an exhausting and reinforcing pattern. It’s a trap. It feels great when we succeed, but it leaves us dependent on other people for our worth and happiness. Thankfully, like any habit or pattern, you can change it. With intention and effort, you can transform your people pleasing ways. In addition to the quotation above, this month’s mantra is, “I can’t please everybody...and that’s ok."

People-pleasing, often viewed as kind, thoughtful behaviour, generally causes enormous difficulties for us, particularly in relationships and in love. To grow better able to manage disappointing others, and to stop fearing possible consequences when we do so is healthier both for us and those around us too. So, what can we do about it? 1. Accept that not every one is going to like you - and that is okay. What goes on for others may have nothing to do with you. 2. Say 'no' in a way that works for you - and stick to it. You can do it with a smile! 3. It will be uncomfortable at first - probably you will feel guilty. Stick with it - it takes time to make it a habit. 4. Set some boundaries - maybe 5? These are about looking after you! If someone is asking for something that challenges your boundaries, then say no, it doesn't work for you. You could offer an alternative that does? 5. Let go those people who take advantage of you. If they can't accept your boundaries and/or are not respectful then it is okay to let them go or, if a family member, to step back and create a bit more distance between you.

Integrity is one of my values. Sadly it appears to be not so important in our current political arena. What do I mean by integrity? It is the practice of being honest and showing a consistent and uncompromising regard for strong moral and ethical principles and values. In ethics, integrity is viewed as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of your actions. Integrity is the opposite of hypocrisy, in that assessing with the standards of integrity involves regarding internal consistency as a virtue and suggests that those holding apparently conflicting values should be accountable for the discrepancy or change their beliefs. The word integrity stems from the Latin adjective integer , meaning whole or complete. In this context, integrity is the inner sense of "wholeness" deriving from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character. So, we may judge that others " have integrity " to the extent that they act according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold. We don't have to look far to find one or two people in the public eye displaying a remarkable lack of integrity.

With the recent goings on in our political world hugely impacting an already difficult time with COVID-19, the drama triangle is an excellent way of making sense of the dynamics between Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson and us, the public. I won't go into too much detail (if you're interested I recommend reading Suzanne Zeedyk's excellent article: www.suzannezeedyk.com/the-drama-triangle-helps-make-sense-of-dominic-cummings-story/?fbclid=IwAR1fh3430uwprjDaaCmZslxxcLKWWGINrS_CO1IRxxbxTC7XvI4OS9jCw00). The Drama Triangle is a dysfunctional model of human interaction originally described by Stephen Karpman. It is used widely in psychotherapy/psychology as it can be easily applied to a wide variety of social situations. Karpman identified 3 roles as being acted out by people in daily life - Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. The Persecutor and Rescuer roles appear at the top of the triangle because these roles assume a “one-up” position over others They are ‘more sorted’, better, or smarter. We all have a position on the triangle which is most familiar to us and with which we most identify. This is known as our ‘Starting Gate Position’ (SG) We learn our SG position during our early childhood. However, we can move around the triangle through each position. This movement can happen in a matter of minutes or seconds, many times in a day. ‘Moving on’ essentially means ‘getting off the triangle’. Lynne Forrest, author of ‘ The Three Faces of Victim ’ explains: ‘Ironically, a main exit way off the triangle is through the persecutor position. This does not mean we become persecutors. It does mean however, that once we decide to get off the triangle, there most likely will be those who see us as persecutors. (”How can you do this to me?”) Once we decide to take self-responsibility and tell our truth, those still on the triangle are likely to accuse us of victimizing them. "How dare you refuse to take care of me," a Victim might cry. Or "What do you mean you don't need my help?" a primary enabler storms when their victim decides to become accountable. In other words, to escape the victim grid, we must be willing to be perceived as the "bad guy." This doesn't make it so, but we must be willing to sit with the discomfort of being perceived as such’. Rescuers see themselves as ‘helpers’. They are reliant on someone to rescue (victim). It's difficult for Starting Gate Rescuers to recognise themselves as ever being in a victim position - they’re the ones with the answers after all. A Rescuer will help another person whether help is asked for or not, and will feel guilty if they don’t help. By doing this, they keep the person being rescued in the Victim role. Moving on advice for Rescuers - as with Persecutor, self awareness and accountability is the way to move forward. Acknowledge and accept your tendency to rescue others and understand that by rescuing, you are meeting your own needs rather than genuinely helping others. Be aware that changing your position on the triangle does not mean you cannot be loving, generous and kind: it is possible to be supportive without rescuing. Persecutors blame and criticise others. They may be in complete denial about their tactics, and may argue that their behaviour is warranted and necessary for self protection. They take a rigid, authoritative stance and, like Rescuers, keep Victims in that role. Moving on advice for Persecutors - self-accountability is the only way off The Drama Triangle. When we stop looking to blame or criticise others and we take self-responsibility for everything in our lives we become free. Unfortunately there usually has to be some kind of breakthrough for them to own their part and because of their great reluctance to do so, it may have to come in the form of crisis. The Victim lives feeling oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless and ashamed. This prevents them from taking responsibility for themselves, their circumstances, and actions. They are often on the lookout for a Rescuer to ‘hook’, who will ultimately compound their negative feelings about themselves. Moving on advice for Victims - victims must learn to take responsibility for themselves, rather than look for someone to do it for them. They need to believe that they can take care of themselves and are resourceful, powerful and able to solve problems. There is only a small handful of individuals within society who are truly unable to look after themselves. The good news is that it is possible to break free of The Drama Triangle: Firstly find where you are on the triangle. Next take responsibility for why you are in this role - you may need to examine your past. List how could your relationships improve by leaving the triangle? Take action.

After 6 weeks of lockdown, I can see some people are starting to struggle. Now is the time to look after yourself. If you feel like resting, take a rest. If you feel like learning a new skill, do it. Do what is right for you. I'm not advocating being selfish as we may be living with others but it is ok to carve out some time for you. I aim to take a walk in nature every day but I might not tomorrow...and that is ok. Remember who is there for you. Connect with others that support.

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to join an online 5Rhythms session. It was fabulous! For anyone not familiar with 5rhythms, it's a "dynamic movement practice - a practice of being in your body - that ignites creativity, connection and community." There are 5 different rhythms to explore in your own unique way - without judgement - in a safe and supportive community. Dancing is one of the most freeing and necessary of all activities - but we too frequently hold back from the worry that we 'can't dance.' Everyone can dance - the 5rhythms is a fine example of that. This film, from the excellent School of Life, usefully reminds us that there's no such thing as not being able to dance, that the whole point is to move about wildly without shame - and that in doing so, we connect with others and with important forgotten bits of ourselves. In this time of lockdown, we can dance via online, we can dance on our own and we can dance with those we live with.

With countries taking rapid measures to contain the spread of the Corona virus, and people going into self-quarantine and working from home, women as primary caregivers are ending up taking on more responsibilities. Especially for working mothers, dealing with both work and responsibilities at home can take a toll on them and they often forget to take care of themselves while looking after others. Here are a few pertinent quotes to remind us that it is okay to look after ourselves particularly so during this challenging time. “It is always wise to remember that others will survive even if we are not there taking care of them. I found out that I feel so much better when I take an hour a day, just to take care of me and love myself. It keeps me from feeling so put upon by everything and everybody, and helps me get through the day. By taking my hour early in the morning, I feel like I get my love first and I get it when I am at my best.” - Byllye Avery, health care activist “Women’s health needs to be front and centre - it often isn’t, but it needs to be.” - Cynthia Nixon, actress and activist “Women in particular need to keep an eye on their physical and mental health, because if we are scurrying to and from appointments and errands, we don’t have a lot of time to take care of ourselves. We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘to do’ list.” - Michelle Obama, former First Lady of the United States of America “Give yourself the same care and attention that you give to others and watch yourself bloom.” - Anonymous “Self-care is giving the world the best of you, instead of what’s left of you.” - Katie Reed, blogger “Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”– Anna Taylor All these quotes I think are great reminders to us to look after ourselves during this time. And men too. Being strong doesn't mean not showing feelings. We are, after all, in this together.

The journalist and documentary filmmaker, Jon Ronson, has spoken and written widely about his anxiety. He has, however, spoken about feeling strangely calm in a real crisis such as the coronavirus. He tells Kirsty Wark “We’re (anxiety sufferers) the ones who will be okay…People with anxiety disorders have spent their lives catastrophising, but we’ve found ourselves in a situation where we are really capable.” He also discusses the use of social media at a time like this, and how he thinks society has now changed forever. I often suggest if worry is too much then try a social media detox - limit it to once a day? Plus be careful where your information is coming from - avoid your neighbour who turns out to be a microbiologist, national economic expert, housing adviser, mortgage guru, GP and national pandemic specialist...you get the picture. Newsnight is the BBC's flagship news and current affairs TV programme - with analysis, debate, exclusives, and robust interviews. #Corona #Covid19 Website: https://www.bbc.co.uk/newsnight Twitter: https://twitter.com/BBCNewsnight Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/bbcnewsnight