The Enigma of Attraction

The subject of attraction often comes up in the therapy room and it is an interesting albeit complex topic to explore. In romantic relationships, attraction is particularly nuanced because it draws on chemistry, emotional resonance, psychological needs, and cultural conditioning. Here's a breakdown of what typically makes someone attractive in a romantic context:

1. Emotional Availability

One of the strongest predictors of romantic attraction and relational longevity is:

• Attunement - being emotionally present, responsive, and capable of intimacy.

• Vulnerability - the ability to express inner thoughts and feelings in a way that invites closeness.

• Consistency - feeling safe and secure in the other person’s emotional presence.

2. Psychological Compatibility

Romantic attraction often reflects our internal dynamics:

• Attachment style fit - anxious-avoidant pairings, for example, often feel electric but unstable.

• Familiarity with early relational patterns  - we may be drawn to those who unconsciously evoke parental or early caregiver dynamics (sometimes to heal, sometimes to repeat).

• Projection and idealisation – early in romance, we may fall for who we hope someone is.

3. Chemistry and Sexual Energy

While difficult to define, "chemistry" includes:

• Pheromonal and biological responses  - subtle cues that trigger desire.

• Physical touch and body language - the way two bodies feel in proximity can be magnetic or off-putting.

• Energetic resonance - a felt sense of being drawn into a shared emotional/sexual field.

4. Shared Meaning and Values

As attraction deepens:

• Life goals, ethics, and worldview start to matter more.

• Shared language for love - e.g., compatible love languages, or how people express/receive care.

• Mutual respect and admiration - being each other's champion sustains long-term attraction.

5. Relational Dynamics

Some relational traits are inherently attractive in romantic partners:

• Security with independence - being connected without enmeshment.

• Growth orientation - being interested in evolving together.

• Capacity for conflict and repair - the ability to navigate disagreement with empathy.

6. The Unconscious & The Archetypal

In-depth approaches (like Jungian or psychodynamic models) suggest:

• We often fall in love with someone who carries an archetype we're seeking (e.g., the nurturer, the rebel, the muse).

• Romantic attraction can be an unconscious pull to integrate missing or undeveloped parts of the self (the anima/animus dynamic).

Improving social skills and becoming more romantically attractive is about becoming more comfortable, authentic, and emotionally available in how you relate to others. It's not about changing who you are - it's about bringing more of your best self into connection.

Here’s a focused guide to help you build social confidence and attract a potential date:

1. Work from the Inside Out

Attraction begins with self-relationship:

• Build self-awareness: What are your strengths? What makes you unique? Knowing this helps you show up with grounded confidence.

• Challenge inner critics: If you carry beliefs like “I’m not interesting enough” or “People won’t like me”, explore where those come from. They often block natural charisma.

• Develop a secure presence: Practice being at ease in your body — slow your breath, make gentle eye contact, relax your posture. People are drawn to those who feel safe in themselves.

2. Practice Conversation Like a Skill

Social ease is learned through doing:

• Start small: Chat with a barista, ask a co-worker about their weekend, or make a passing comment in a queue. These low-stakes moments build fluency.

• Ask open-ended questions: “What do you enjoy doing?” or “What’s something that’s made you laugh lately?” These invite people to open up.

• Listen actively: People feel attracted to those who really hear them. Nod, reflect back what they say, and avoid planning your next line while they speak.

3. Use Authentic Flirting

Flirting is simply expressing interest playfully and warmly:

• Make eye contact and smile: This signals openness and confidence.

• Use light teasing or humour: As long as it’s kind, shared laughter is a powerful connector.

• Give genuine compliments: Not just on looks - try something like, “You have a calming energy” or “I love how passionate you are about that.”

4. Be Visible and Approachable

Create opportunities for connection:

• Join groups or events that align with your interests - classes, clubs, workshops. Repeated exposure builds rapport.

• Watch your body language: Uncross your arms, turn toward people, and show interest. These cues make it easier for others to engage with you.

• Put yourself out there: Whether online dating or in-person, showing up is 90% of it. It’s okay to be nervous - courage is attractive.

5. Handle Rejection Gracefully

This is where real growth happens:

• Don’t personalise it: Attraction is subjective. If someone doesn’t click with you, it’s about fit, not worth.

• Reflect and learn: Was there anything you’d like to do differently next time? If not, great - keep going.

• Keep showing up: Building social and romantic confidence is a numbers game and an emotional journey.

Inner Work That Attracts

• Cultivate passion: People are drawn to those who have interests and light up from within.

• Explore your attachment style: Knowing how you bond (anxious, avoidant, secure, etc.) helps you create healthier connections.

• Therapy or coaching: If social anxiety or self-doubt holds you back, a relational space can help shift deeper patterns.