Do We Need A Post-Romantic View of Love?

Romeo wooing Juliet!

As the wonderful School of Love clearly explains, our romantic view of love can make long-term relationships a challenge. Many of these ideas stem from the Romantic time period. As 'love' is a social conscript, where do our beliefs come from? What did other time periods believe? Here's a timeline of how Western ideas of love evolved, with the Romantic period highlighted in context:

🏛 Ancient World (c. 800 BCE – 500 CE)

• Greek & Roman views: Love was often seen as irrational, disruptive, or even dangerous.

  • Plato distinguished between eros (desire), philia (friendship), and agape (selfless love).

  • Marriage was more about family alliances, property, and reproduction than passion.

  • Passionate love could exist, but it was often outside marriage (mistresses, affairs, pederastic traditions).

🏰 Medieval Courtly Love (12th–14th centuries)

• Troubadours & chivalry: Love was idealised as noble longing, often directed toward someone unattainable (a married noblewoman, for example).

• Love was associated with suffering, yearning, and devotion.

• It was more about aesthetic ideals than practical marriage.

🎭 Renaissance & Enlightenment (16th–18th centuries)

• Renaissance: Shakespeare and others explored passionate love, but still within tension between duty and desire (Romeo and Juliet).

• Enlightenment: New ideas about individual freedom and personal happiness reframed marriage as ideally companionate, chosen for love rather than arrangement.

• Novels (e.g. Samuel Richardson’s Pamela, Rousseau’s Julie, or the New Heloise) emphasised inner feelings and emotional authenticity.

🌹 Romantic Period (late 18th – mid 19th centuries)

This is where modern ideas of “romantic love” crystallised.

• Love as transcendent - a path to truth, meaning, or even the divine.

• Love as individual - the idea of “the one” or a soulmate.

• Love as rebellion - often portrayed in defiance of class, family, or convention.

• Love as authentic - raw passion connected to nature and inner truth.

• Influences: Goethe (The Sorrows of Young Werther), Byron, Shelley, Wordsworth, Keats.

🎩 Victorian Era (mid–late 19th century)

• Love was still idealised, but placed within strict moral and social frameworks.

• Emphasis on marriage as both romantic and respectable (love + duty).

• Gender roles became rigid: women as guardians of morality, men as providers.

🎥 20th Century

• Cinema and popular culture spread Romantic ideals globally (Hollywood / Disney love stories, the “happily ever after”).

• Psychology reframed love as personal growth, attachment, and intimacy.

• Feminism & sexual revolution introduced love as freedom, equality, and erotic fulfilment.

• Shift toward companionate marriage - partners chosen for both passion and partnership.

📱 21st Century

• We live with a patchwork:

  • Romantic ideals: soulmates, passion, destiny.

  • Pragmatic ideals: compatibility, shared goals, cohabitation.

  • New dynamics: online dating, polyamory, queer love narratives, and love as self-fulfilment.

• Love is often seen as both deeply personal and culturally scripted.

✨ So, the Romantic period is a turning point - it didn’t invent love, but it invented our modern cultural script for what “true love” should feel like. That does not mean we should give up on love; rather recognise that it's more of a skill, not simply an emotion - a verb rather than a noun! We must go from the ideal (limerence) to the ordeal to get to the real deal in our romantic relationships (Hendrix).

Here’s a comparison table of current psychological theories of love with their main focus and the key researchers:

Theory	Main Focus	Key Researchers
Triangular Theory of Love	Love has three components: intimacy, passion, commitment; different blends = different types of love.	Robert Sternberg (1986, 2019)
Attachment Theory (Adult Attachment)	Early attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) shape adult romantic relationships and love patterns.	John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Hazan & Shaver (1987), Bartholomew (1991)
Evolutionary Theory of Love	Love evolved to promote pair bonding, child-rearing, and reproductive success.	David Buss, Helen Fisher
Self-Expansion Model	Love involves expanding the self through the partner—gaining new perspectives, identities, and growth.	Arthur & Elaine Aron (1986–present)
Love as Emotion & Motivation	Love is a basic affective/motivational system, with neural bases (oxytocin, dopamine, etc.) for bonding and caregiving.	Jaak Panksepp, Andreas Bartels & Semir Zeki
Positive Psychology Approaches	Love as a core character strength; central to well-being and flourishing; micro-moments of connection build resilience.	Martin Seligman, Barbara Fredrickson (1998, 2013), Peterson & Seligman (2004)
Compassionate Love Theory	Emphasises selfless, caring love - compassion, concern, and altruism in relationships.	Susan Sprecher & Beverley Fehr (2005)
Duplex Theory of Love	Expands triangular theory with “love stories” (the narratives couples tell to make sense of their relationship).	Robert Sternberg (2019)
Cultural & Social Perspectives	Love shaped by cultural norms (individualistic vs. collectivist, digital intimacy, polyamory, queer love).	Cultural & social psychologists (e.g., Shaver, Finkel, Karandashev)