Why Do I Keep Doing Things I Know Are Bad for Me? Understanding Unhelpful Patterns
Have you ever found yourself thinking:
“I know this isn't good for me, so why do I keep doing it?”
So, why do I keep doing things I know are bad for me? Perhaps you keep returning to a relationship that leaves you unhappy. Maybe you avoid situations because you are worried about what might happen, even though you know avoidance is making your anxiety worse. Perhaps you constantly seek reassurance, overthink conversations, put everyone else's needs before your own, or become incredibly critical of yourself when things don't go as planned.
Sometimes we can understand perfectly well, intellectually, that a particular behaviour isn't helping us, yet changing it can feel surprisingly difficult. This can leave us feeling frustrated with ourselves.
Why can't I just stop? What's wrong with me? Why do I keep making the same mistakes?
But what if there is another way of looking at it?
Rather than asking, “What's wrong with me?”, it can be more helpful to ask, “What is this behaviour trying to do for me?”
Good and less good behaviours often have a purpose
Many of the patterns we develop are ways of trying to manage something difficult. Perhaps avoiding situations helps you feel safer. Checking things repeatedly gives you a temporary sense of certainty. Keeping everyone happy reduces the fear of conflict. Staying quiet protects you from feeling rejected. Being hard on yourself might feel as though it keeps you motivated or prevents you from making mistakes.
The difficulty is that something which helped us cope at one point in our lives can become unhelpful later. Imagine someone, for example, who learned early in life that expressing their needs was likely to result in criticism or rejection. They may become very good at putting other people's needs first. As an adult, they might find themselves saying yes when they want to say no, struggling to ask for help and feeling resentful that nobody seems to consider their needs. They may recognise the pattern but still find it extremely difficult to change. This doesn't mean they are weak or lacking in willpower. Rather:
The pattern may have become a deeply learned way of keeping themselves safe or maintaining relationships.
Understanding this can be the beginning of change.
The cycle of thoughts, feelings and behaviours
From a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) perspective, our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are closely connected. A situation might trigger a thought:
“They're going to think I'm stupid.”
That thought creates anxiety. The anxiety then leads to avoidance, such as cancelling plans, staying quiet in a meeting or avoiding making a phone call. Initially, avoidance can feel like a relief.
“Thank goodness I don't have to do that.”
But because the anxiety has reduced, our brain can learn that avoiding the situation was the safest option. The next time something similar happens, the urge to avoid may be even stronger. This creates a cycle:
Situation → Thought → Feeling → Behaviour → Short-term relief → Pattern reinforced
The important thing to notice is that the behaviour may actually be working in the short term. It reduces distress. The problem is that the relief doesn't last, and over time the behaviour can make the original problem bigger.
What lies underneath the behaviour?
Sometimes it can be helpful to look beyond the behaviour itself. Imagine someone saying:
“I keep checking that my partner is okay with me. I know I'm asking for reassurance too much, but I can't seem to stop.”
Rather than simply trying to stop the reassurance-seeking, we might become curious about what is happening underneath it. What are they afraid will happen if they don't check? Perhaps:
“They might be angry with me.”
Underneath that:
“They might leave me.”
And underneath that:
“If someone leaves me, I'll be completely alone.”
The behaviour starts to make more sense. The person isn't simply being “needy” or irrational. They may be trying to manage a much deeper fear of rejection, abandonment or not being enough. This is where attachment can be useful in helping us understand ourselves.
The relationships we have experienced can shape the relationships we expect
Our early relationships can influence the beliefs we develop about ourselves and other people. We may come to believe:
“I have to be useful to be loved.”
“My needs are less important than other people's.”
“People will leave if I get too close.”
“I can't rely on anyone.”
“I have to get things right.”
These beliefs don't necessarily sit at the front of our minds every day. Sometimes they operate quietly in the background, influencing how we respond to situations and relationships. This doesn't mean that our childhood determines our future. We are not destined to repeat our past. Understanding, however, where some of our patterns may have come from can help us approach ourselves with greater compassion and gives us the opportunity to make different choices.
Sometimes different parts of us want different things
One of the things I find particularly interesting about therapy is that we can sometimes discover that we are experiencing an internal conflict. One part of us may desperately want change. Another part may be frightened by what that change could mean. For example:
“I know I want to leave this relationship, but I can't seem to do it.”
Perhaps one part longs for freedom and independence, while another fears loneliness, financial insecurity or being unable to cope alone. Or:
“I really want to put myself forward at work, but every time an opportunity comes along I find a reason not to.”
One part wants recognition and growth, while another fears failure, embarrassment or being judged. From an integrative perspective, these conflicting experiences are worth exploring rather than simply trying to silence one of them. Sometimes what looks like self-sabotage is actually self-protection. The behaviour may be attempting to protect us from something we haven't fully understood yet.
What about that critical voice in your head?
For many people, another part of the pattern is an extremely critical inner voice.
“You're useless.”
“You always get things wrong.”
“Everyone else is doing better than you.”
“You should be able to cope with this.”
We can become so accustomed to this voice that we don't question it. Transactional Analysis (TA) offers one way of thinking about the different internal messages we may have absorbed and the ways in which these can influence our adult lives. Instead of automatically accepting the critical voice as truth, we can begin to notice it. We can ask:
Where did I learn to speak to myself like this?
Is this voice helping me or hurting me?
What would I say to someone I cared about if they were struggling in the same way?
There is an important difference between taking responsibility for our behaviour and attacking ourselves as a person.
“I made a mistake and need to understand what happened” is very different from “I'm a failure.”
The first creates space for learning. The second creates shame.
So how do we begin to change?
Breaking an established pattern rarely happens simply because we tell ourselves to stop doing it. It often begins with curiosity. The next time you notice yourself doing something you know isn't helping, try pausing before judging yourself.
Ask:
What am I doing?
What am I feeling immediately beforehand?
What am I thinking?
What am I afraid might happen if I don't do this?
What does this behaviour give me in the short term?
What does it cost me in the longer term?
Does this remind me of anything I've experienced before?
What need might be underneath the behaviour?
Is there another, healthier way I could meet that need?
You don't have to answer all of these questions at once. Even beginning to notice a pattern can create a small space between the feeling and the response. And within that space, something important can happen: choice.
Understanding ourselves is not the same as excusing ourselves
Understanding why we behave in particular ways doesn't mean that we have to accept behaviour that is harming us or others. It simply gives us a different starting point. Instead of:
“Why am I doing this again? I should know better.”
we might begin to ask:
“Something is happening here. What is it, and what do I need?”
This is often a much kinder and more productive question. Change doesn't necessarily begin with forcing ourselves to behave differently. Sometimes it begins with understanding the part of us that is afraid to change.
Therapy can help us understand why we keep doing things we know are bad for us.
In counselling, we can explore the patterns that keep repeating in our lives and relationships in a safe, non-judgemental environment. An integrative therapeutic approach allows us to look at experiences from different perspectives. We might explore the thoughts and behaviours that are maintaining a difficulty, the relationships and experiences that have shaped us, the emotions beneath our responses, and some of the less conscious patterns that may be influencing the choices we make. The aim isn't to tell you what you should do. It is to help you understand yourself more fully, so that you can begin to make choices that feel more aligned with who you are and what you want from your life. Perhaps the most important thing to remember is this:
You don't have to blame yourself for a pattern in order to change it.
Sometimes the behaviour that is causing us problems today began as a way of helping us cope yesterday. Once we understand what it has been trying to do for us, we can begin to find new ways of looking after ourselves. And that is often the place where real change begins.
