Oh, To Know Your Self!

2 days ago
3 min read

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lTbWQ8zD3w

One of the most common questions I am asked and have questioned myself is "who am I?" It is one of the hardest things in the universe to understand - the interior of our own minds: we may have spent years on this planet before we've grasped even very basic things about who we are and how we function. Even the Ancient Greeks felt philosophy had only one command: Know yourself! Latterly, James Baldwin too, stressed the importance of knowing thy self. So how can I get to know myself better? Let's start with The School of Life...

Getting to know yourself is less about “finding a hidden true self” and more about noticing patterns: what energises you, what you avoid, how you relate to others, what you value, and how you behave under pressure. The process usually becomes clearer when you combine reflection with lived experience. A few approaches that tend to work well together:

Observe yourself in real time

Instead of only analysing yourself afterwards, notice yourself while things are happening. Pay attention to:

situations where you feel most alive or most shut down
recurring emotional reactions
who you become around different people
what you repeatedly complain about or long for
what you envy in others (often revealing hidden desires or disowned qualities)

A simple question helps: “What is happening in me right now?”

Not just what you think - also body sensations, impulses, emotions, fantasies, tension, excitement.

Journal for patterns, not performance

Many people journal as if they’re writing a coherent story. It’s often more useful to capture fragments honestly.

You could explore prompts like:

What do I keep repeating in relationships?
What am I trying to prove?
When do I feel safest?
What parts of myself do I hide?
What kind of people trigger me, and why?
What would I do if I didn’t need approval?

Then reread after a few weeks and look for themes rather than individual entries.

Notice your defences kindly

We all protect ourselves psychologically. Sometimes self-knowledge grows fastest when you notice:

humour used to avoid vulnerability
intellectualising feelings
over-helping
perfectionism
withdrawal
people-pleasing
control
emotional numbing

The question is not “What’s wrong with me?” but “What might this strategy once have protected me from?”

Know yourself through relationships

Other people are mirrors. Your relational patterns often reveal more than solitary introspection. Notice:

who you pursue
who you avoid
what intimacy feels like to you
how you respond to conflict
whether you fear rejection, engulfment, abandonment, criticism, dependence, etc.

Sometimes the self is discovered between people, not only within the individual.

Try new experiences deliberately

You don’t fully know yourself in theory. New environments expose hidden parts of you:

creative work
travelling alone
group activities
leadership roles
silence retreats
volunteering
therapy groups
learning difficult skills

You may discover capacities or fears you couldn’t access through reflection alone.

Explore your history without becoming trapped in it

Your early experiences shaped expectations about:

love
safety
power
worth
anger
dependency

Questions like:

What roles did I play in my family?
What emotions were acceptable?
What did I learn I had to be to receive love?

can uncover assumptions that still organise your life.

Use structured tools carefully

Some people find frameworks useful:

attachment theory
values exercises
personality models
therapy
supervision
mindfulness practices

These can illuminate patterns, but they work best as maps - not identities.

Spend time alone without distraction

A lot of people know themselves only in reaction to stimulation. Periods without constant input - no scrolling, podcasts, texting, noise - often allow deeper thoughts and feelings to emerge. Even 20–30 minutes regularly can change what you notice internally. Try introducing a focusing practice: What is Focusing? - British Focusing Association