Self-Esteem=Self-Worth+Self-Efficacy
- 3 hours ago
- 5 min read
The subject of self esteem comes up frequently in the therapy room. How do we really feel about ourselves? Can I advocate for myself? Or do I make myself small? Where does this come from? Self-esteem grows from our lived experiences of agency, competence, belonging, and being seen, or validation.
1. A shift from thinking about “self-esteem” to “self-worth + self-efficacy” can be helpful.
With young people especially, “confidence” is often domain-specific and relationally mediated. I tend to think in three strands:
Attachment-based worth – “I am acceptable / lovable as I am.”
Competence-based confidence – “I can learn, try, and improve.”
Agency-based identity – “I have influence; my choices matter.”
If one strand is weak, overall self-esteem tends to wobble.
2. I like to build esteem through experience, not affirmation
Over-praising or cognitive reframing alone rarely builds durable confidence. It can even reinforce shame if your internal experience contradicts it. Instead:
A. Micro-experiences of mastery
Try tasks just beyond your current capacity or even just a part of a task and build up.
Try to tolerate the discomfort of trying.
Look at your effort, strategy, and persistence (growth orientation). Well done! Reward?
Process mistakes as survivable.
Confidence comes from doing hard things and surviving them.
B. Try to integrate failure
Many young people don’t lack ability - they lack a narrative that can tolerate failure without collapsing into identity shame. Remember:
Separate behaviour from identity - you are not your behaviour!
Map internalised critical voices (whose voice is that?).
Externalise perfectionism or comparison.
Exploring relational origins of “not good enough”.
A feminist lens may be especially relevant here - many young people (particularly girls and marginalised identities) internalise culturally imposed standards as personal inadequacy.
3. Strengthen relational mirrors
Self-esteem is co-constructed. We need others to help. Find those who:
Offer accurate, specific reflections rather than generic reassurance.
Name strengths you don’t yet own.
Track moments of courage.
Gently challenge distorted self-appraisals.
Also outside the room:
Explore who affirms you.
Notice relational contexts where you shrink.
Work with boundaries and peer dynamics.
Confidence rarely grows in chronically shaming environments. Which groups are safe for you?
4. Increase agency
Young people gain confidence when they experience:
Making choices.
Expressing preferences.
Surviving disagreement.
Influencing outcomes.
Even small interventions matter. So I would:
Let you choose session focus.
Invite collaborative goal setting.
Encourage experiments with behavioural risks between sessions.
Agency directly counters helplessness.
5. We have to consider and work with the body
Especially in socially anxious or shy young people, confidence is embodied. Consider:
Somatic awareness of anxiety spikes.
Practising regulated exposure.
Power/grounding strategies.
Voice work or role play.
Sometimes “confidence” is nervous system regulation in disguise.
6. Address systemic and power narratives
Low self-esteem is often rational in context. Ask:
Who benefits from you feeling small?
What cultural standards are you comparing yourself to?
Where are you resisting oppressive expectations?
Helping people locate distress in systems (not just self) can be profoundly empowering.
7. Encourage identity development
Confidence stabilises when young people know:
What they value.
What they care about.
What kind of person they want to be.
Values-based work (ACT-informed) can be helpful:
“Even if you feel anxious, what kind of friend do you want to be?”
“What matters enough to be brave for?”
Courage grows faster than confidence.
8. One very important thing is to be careful of rescuing
If we over-support, over-reassure, or over-structure, we accidentally communicate: “You can’t handle this alone.”
Allow manageable struggle. I will reflect your resilience. Hold steady if or when you wobble.
A simple working formula:
Self-esteem = Being seen accurately + Doing hard things + Surviving rupture + Having agency
For an older people, “confidence” often isn’t about building something new, but reclaiming something that was historically constrained and the developmental context changes everything. With older people, self-esteem is often shaped by:
Long-term relational roles (mother, partner, carer, professional supporter)
Internalised gendered expectations
Years of minimising needs
Cultural invisibility around ageing
Cumulative relational wounds
So, the work tends to move from performance-based confidence to existential worth and authority.
1. Move from competence to self-authorisation
With young people:
“Can I do this?”
With older people:
“Am I allowed to want this?”
Confidence becomes less about mastery and more about permission.
Therapeutic focus might include:
Exploring where self-silencing began
Noticing patterns of over-functioning
Unpacking internalised “good woman”, "good man" scripts
Identifying where desire has been subordinated
Often the work is about loosening relational conditioning.
2. Address internalised patriarchal narratives directly. This can include cultural narratives too.
Power dynamics - here it becomes explicit. Older women may carry beliefs like:
“I shouldn’t take up space.”
“It’s selfish to prioritise myself.”
“I’m too old to change.”
“My value is in caregiving.”
These aren’t cognitive distortions in isolation - they are culturally reinforced survival strategies. Confidence work here includes:
Deconstructing the origin of these beliefs.
Validating the context in which they made sense.
Supporting conscious re-choosing.
Reclaiming voice is often deeply political as well as personal.
3. Grief work is often central
For younger clients, self-esteem grows forward. For older people, it often grows through:
Grieving missed opportunities.
Grieving the body changing.
Grieving roles that structured identity.
Grieving not having been seen.
Unprocessed grief can masquerade as low confidence. When grief is integrated, vitality can return.
4. Reconnect with desire and aliveness
A powerful intervention: “If you didn’t have to be the responsible one, what would you want?” Desire is frequently underdeveloped after decades of responsibility. Confidence grows when a woman, for instance:
Identifies what she wants.
Speaks it aloud.
Acts on it in small ways.
Survives the relational fallout.
This is often where rupture tolerance becomes central.
5. I will work with relational patterns in the here-and-now
Older people, particularly women, may:
Defer to me in session.
Minimise achievements.
Apologise frequently.
Avoid anger.
Gently naming these dynamics in the room can be transformational: “I notice you apologise when you take up space.” Confidence builds through relational re-patterning, not just insight.
6. Embodiment shifts meaning
With older people, the body can become a site of:
Shame (ageing)
Betrayal (illness)
Invisibility
Body work may include:
Reclaiming sensuality.
Reclaiming strength.
Compassionate witnessing of ageing.
Challenging youth-centric narratives.
This can be deeply empowering.
7. Identity beyond role
Many older women have stable external lives but fragile internal identity. Questions that build esteem:
Who are you when you’re not needed?
What parts of you were postponed?
What is emerging now?
Later-life confidence can be expansive - it can be about authority, wisdom, boundary clarity, and unapologetic presence.
8. Another thing to be aware of is pathologising appropriate anger
Sometimes what is framed as “low self-esteem” is actually:
Suppressed anger.
Unlived assertiveness.
Exhaustion from over-adaptation.
When we understand our anger and integrate it, confidence can grow.
In essence:
For young people: Confidence grows from trying and surviving.
For older people: Confidence grows from reclaiming voice, desire, and authority.
It is less about “becoming more” and more about “shedding what constrained.”
